Musical Beds

As parents, one rule my wife and I have tried to be firm on is, "No kids or babies allowed in the bed!" With 4 kids 5 and under, the rule is constantly tested during bed time. But as the kids get older, they also get smarter, and we are now in a routine, which my wife and I call "Musical Beds."

"What is Musical Beds?"

It isn't as much fun as it sounds. Basically the game starts once mom and dad have fallen soundly and deeply asleep. At this point the first child will somehow sense the window is now open, wake up, and crawl into bed with mom and dad. Once said child is situated in mom and dad's bed the next child will sense it is their turn and follow suite--and so on.

It is amazing how such little bodies can take up so much space. After I graduated from university, I purchased a king sized bed for more space, but it feels like a cot once you add 3 kids to it. Our 2 year old will lie flat on her back, arms and legs stretched out, and saw logs like a 300 pound trucker. It is actually quite amazing to watch--a dainty-little-blond-haired girl making a noise that shouldn't come out of her.

At this point in the game, one of the parents is usually forced out of the bed. My son likes to push me with his feet till I fall out of bed. Once out of bed, the parents will migrate to the kids' beds in the hopes of getting some much needed sleep. The other night I went and got in my son's bed, a couple hours later I feel him jump into the bed with me again and pull the same stunt! "I surrender!"

As an added element of danger, my kids are still at a stage where bed wetting can and does take place. This adds a "Russian Roulette" element to the game, which I don't think needs to be described in any more detail. But this gives the kids an unfair advantage in the game, and is one of the reasons I'll concede the bed in the middle of the night.

I miss the days when I could go to bed with my wife and wake up with the same person. If I do manage to stay in the bed, it is like waking up in some foreign hostel or college frat house after a wild party with bodies draped all over me. I've actually woken up and had a panic attack wondering, "WHERE AM I?!" The worst part is that I'm competitive, and I have yet to win a game of "Musical Beds!"

I want the game to stop, but I'm at a loss as to how to stop it. However, my male brain has come up with a few options.

1. Chain the kids to their beds
2. Lock the kids in their rooms
3. Purchase some shock collars and set up a perimeter
   
4. Three words, "Trained Guard Dog"
   

I'm pretty sure any one of these would guarantee me a visit from Social Services. So for now it is game on. But please let me know if you have any ideas.

Great Christmas Idea For Mom

Still looking for that perfect gift for the women in your life? Look no further!



Here is what could go wrong with the wrong gift. No pressure guys!

At the Buzzer

First off let me say that I am not a sexist. Women are wonderful, and have men beat in so many areas it would be impossible for me to even attempt to list here. But there is one area where men excel over women, hands down, and that is in the art of last-minute Christmas shopping.

Yesterday, I braved the crowds to try and get my shopping done. I take great pride in my ability to, just before the buzzer, pull off the win. Something I took from my days playing High School Basketball and other competitive sports. Most women get their Christmas shopping done months (often many, many, many months) in advance, but men know that it is the last few minutes, or even seconds that the game is either won or lost. That is why we wait for the perfect moment, and then come out with our guns blazing.

But this is where I could get in trouble with some of the females reading this post. OK, I'm just going to throw it out there--I think women should be banned from Christmas shopping after December 20th! There I said it! But let me share a few experiences from yesterday that demonstrate my point.

Have you ever noticed that the longest checkout lines seem to move the fastest? I'm not kidding; usually I am very careful to not look at just the length of the line but more importantly, the cashier, and even more importantly, the customers in front of me. Yesterday, I broke my rule and got in the short line behind a lady that was the slowest I've ever seen. I should have left the line, but when you are next, you know as soon as you leave you'll miss your turn. Well, that didn't happen. This lady asked for price checks, wanted to know if they had the item in a different color, she even wanted the cashier to call and see how much she had on her Visa gift card so she didn't go over on it. I'm sorry, but this is the type of shopping that must take place before December 20th, when you don't have 10 people behind you. I finally did bail on the line, started the waiting process over, and still beat her out of the store!

I then went to another store to take an item back. The customer service desk was very large with two sides and two lines on each side of it. I picked a line and waited patiently for my turn. Finally, the lady behind the counter asked, "How can I help you sir?" I began to explain my return, when a lady from the other line slapped her hand on the counter and yelled, "OH NO YOU DON'T!" I said, "Excuse me?" She then said, "I was here before you! It is my turn!" and pushed her way in front of me, which I gladly conceded. I could tell the Christmas stress was taking its toll on her.

I had a lot of time to ponder these events as I waited in yet another line. I looked at the line across from me and saw a man who seemed very calm, an attribute I've always admired in the great athletes like Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods. I thought to myself, "Now there is a man who is a veteran last-minute Christmas shopper!" I then surveyed his purchase, and had to smile. On the checkout counter was about a hundred pairs of different colored socks, a mop, and a broom. Would I buy my wife a mop and broom for Christmas? Not on your life! But he demonstrated the gutsy, split second decision making ability necessary to be a successful last-minute Christmas shopper. So his purchases didn’t diminish my respect for him.

Women are more thoughtful, they feel more, they care more that the gift is the perfect gift for that cherished someone, and this added stress can push many over the top. So let's get a bill on the table banning women from Christmas shopping after December 20th! Not for us men, but for our sisters, mothers, daughters, and wives, which we love and just want to be happy and healthy!

Top 10 Signs Your TV Remote is Too Big

Yesterday I was at the store looking for some Christmas gifts for my family. The women reading this post are thinking, "How could you be doing your Christmas shopping so late?" and the men are thinking, "Are you missing a Y chromosome? That is like 10 days before Christmas!"

Anyway, I found the best gift ever. So good in fact, I had to buy one for myself--I've been reasonably good this year. It is a ginormous (love that word) TV remote. In an age when everything is getting so small (i.e. cell phones, ipods, etc.), it is nice to hold something with some girth to it.

I miss the cell phones that were the length of your head and had an antenna about the same size as the one on your car. Now you see 6 foot 200 pound men carrying around cell phones that they must have stolen from their daughter's Barbie. Anyway, I love the new TV remote, but it led me to wonder how much remote is too much? Hence, the top signs your TV remote is too big:

1. Your remote takes two hands to operate.
2. It doubles as a TV dinner tray.
3. Everyone in your neighborhood has to watch what you watch.
4. One or more airplanes have crashed into your home.
   
5. If you dropped the remote, there is a greater than 50% chance you'd break your foot, someone else's foot, or your foot and someone else's foot.
   
6. You have a special insurance policy for just the remote.
   
7. The remote requires four D batteries.
8. It is larger than your new 42" Plasma Flat Panel TV.
9. In the middle of the night you hear what may be an intruder break into your home and you reach for the remote rather than the baseball bat.
10. The remote comes with a free pair of lead underwear and a sticker that warns, "Prolonged use of this remote control may cause cancer!"

Anyway, if you are looking for a Christmas gift that screams "I AM A MAN!", pick up the Colossal Remote from Living Solutions.

If The Shirt Fits, Wear It!

Recently, my wife gave our 5 year old daughter some old, duplicate pictures to scrapbook. She pretty much hacks them up from an adult perspective, but takes great pride in her creations. Yesterday she showed me one of her pages with some of our old dating pictures on it.

The first thing that caught my eye was a shirt I was wearing that brought back a lot of memories. The shirt was a bright yellow color with a big logo that said "Lilac Festival" and had purple lilacs on the front. I had to smile.

The ladies reading this post are thinking "why would he buy and wear such a monstrosity!" As a single male student my values were different back then. I remember looking through the racks of clothes at our local thrift store and finding that particular shirt. So why did I buy it? These were my thoughts (in order) at the time.

1. "Wow that is a really bright and catchy color shirt."
2. "Only 4 dollars!"
   
3. "The material feels really thick and durable."
   
4. "The size looks like it should fit me. Let me try it on over my current shirt."
   
5. "Wow that is an ugly logo and it says something about lilacs. What the heck is the Lilac Festival?"
   
6. "But boy is it comfortable and it feels well made."
   
7. "Remember, only 4 dollars--I'm sold!"

And so a crime against fashion was committed. Now that I am married, my thought pattern has forever been changed, and if I were to buy such an item, I'm sure my wife would swiftly donate it to Good Will.

If I were female, I wonder how my thoughts would have been different. Let me try and speculate.

1. "OK, now remember what I learned last week on What Not to Wear."
   
2. "That blouse looks like it may conform to the fashion rules I learned."
   
3. "Good, it has vertical and not horizontal stripes."
4. "Earth tones should bring out my eyes and compliment my complexion."
   
5. "Let me take it and the other 50 items I'm holding and try them on."
   
6. "Excuse me; Miss, what do you think of this blouse on me? Does it make my hips look fat?"
   
7. "I wish I had brought so and so with me, she always looks so cute in the outfits she picks out."
   
8. "200 dollars, I wonder if I'm maxed out on the credit card yet?"
9. "Such a small price to pay to look and feel good about myself."
10. "I really deserve this."
11. "Maxed out? How could that be? Here, try this card, it should be good."

I'm just joking around. But the truth is men and women do think differently. So don't judge single guys too harshly based on their wardrobe. If you talked to them, you'd find they had a logical reason for purchasing each item in their ensemble.

The Sweet Spot

All you have to do is watch about 5 minutes of AFV (America's Funniest Home Videos) to realize that kids have a gift for locating and attacking a certain region of the male anatomy, which I will furthermore refer to as the sweet spot.

The other night I was wrestling with the kids on the floor and made the rookie mistake of laying on my back (what was I thinking?!) and bear hugging my 2 year old daughter. This gave my 4 year old son the window he needed to land a flying headbutt right in the sweet spot. I understand accidents happen, we are all human, but my kids (all of them) connect at a frequency that I can no longer excuse to mere coincidence or chance.

Probably the most embarrassing episode was at the amusement park. I was waiting in line with the kids for a ride. My son wasn't too thrilled with the wait and started to leave the line. I told him to come back and in his frustration he ran at me and connected with his fist. I heard about 20 people groan "OOOOH! OOOOUCH! AAAAH!" in sympathy as I jack knifed to my knees. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to get us to the front of the line.

Anyway, I'm thinking of starting a brand of protective equipment for fathers. We have protection for hockey, baseball, and other sports, why not being a father? I'd love to see the kids little faces when their head or fist connected with a piece of American forged steel! Stay tuned for where to buy your made in the USA "Blockstrap" (patent pending--all rights reserved).

Big Eyes

It has become kind of a tradition in our family that Friday is our pizza/movie night. The kids look forward to this each week and it is a lot of fun. This past Friday we rented Shrek the Third. The movie was pretty good, the kids love the character Puss in Boots and his big sad eyes.

Tonight my five year old daughter wanted to be carried upstairs to bed, but I had my hands full. I told her I had to take the baby upstairs and she'd have to walk. She then put her hands under her chin and tried to mimic the sad face Puss in Boots does in the movie. It was pretty funny, but you had to be there to really appreciate her acting chops.

Top Ten Signs It's Time Lose Weight

I'm coming to the realization that I need to lose some extra baggage. Today I bought my son a whoopie cushion, he is only 4 so that kind of thing is hilarious to him. Well, I sat on it and instead of the embarrassing noise it made a loud pop. I guess the force of me sitting on it was too much and it exploded. In any event, that is what inspired this list.

1. It's been over a year without dusting off "Sweatin to the Oldies" and slapping it in the VCR.
2. You've actually used the phrase, "So that's where I put that" in relation to a lost item and your belly button.
3. Your signature Halloween costume is Jabba the Hutt but you can no longer find a willing Princess Leia.
   
4. You've eaten or seriously contemplated eating food from the garbage, "What a waste!"
   
5. The remote control batteries died and you were forced to watch the same channel for two weeks, "I could get up if I wanted to, but I like The Weather Channel!"
   
6. You get misty eyed during Fat Albert reruns.
7. You've bitten the finger of a friend or family member who has tried to eat food off your plate.
8. You own the Platinum Member Country Buffet credit card.
9. Someone gave you a fruit cake for Christmas and you ate it.
10. When asked the question, "Which came first the chicken or the egg?" all you can think of is which you'd eat first.

Kid Germs

Yesterday I was giving my kids their bath. We have four little ones, which fills up the tub nicely. It works out good, because I only need to use about 2 cups of water to give them their nightly bath. I guess you could say I'm doing my part to protect the environment or as the hip among us would say, "Go Green!"

Anyway, I grabbed a towel to dry them off only to find my son drinking the bath water. In my early days of parenthood this would have triggered panic, denial, or both. However, I was able to defuse the situation without the shock and awe of my earlier days. Don't get me wrong, I'm still grossed out by it, but I stay a little cooler now. So I gave him the lecture about drinking bath water (AGAIN!) and put the kids to bed.

It got me thinking about germs though. As a society we are dead set on the eradication of all microbes and germs. Soooo many companies use this to guilt parents into buying disinfectant wipes, and disinfectant hand sanitizer, and disinfectant everything. When the door to door vacuum salesmen come to your door, they try to make you feel guilty for not buying their product for your children and their health.

Look, I believe we should keep our homes clean, bathe, etc. But sometimes I wonder if all these disinfectants do more harm than good. Maybe it is just me, but the families I know that disinfect the most also seem to get sick the most. I'm starting to wonder if my kids and David Hasselhoff know something I don't.

Perhaps by drinking a little bath water, eating a few items off the floor, and chewing on other kids' toys they are, in effect, vaccinating themselves--building up an immunity to the world around them. I have no studies to back this theory up, I thought about making some data up like the news media would, but I won't stoop to their level. Besides, we all know that 83.6% of all statistics are pulled out of thin air.

This isn't a call to action, nor am I telling you to let your kids drink bath water! I am just throwing my theory out there and giving you my permission to eat that french fry you dropped on the car floor. Just don't let anyone see, especially the kids!

Curse You Ron Popeil!

I was watching the kids today and came downstairs to find my 5 year old daughter glued to the TV. I was surprised to find her watching an infomercial for the Ron Popeil knives.

You know what these adds are like, they keep adding more and more free stuff, then finally tell you if you call within the next 15 minutes, you'll get a second set for free. Usually the stuff they sell in these infomercials is garbage, but boy are they convincing. They also make a point to saw through cans, marble, and in this one, even a hammer. Argh! Argh!

I asked my daughter what she was watching and she replied, "Daddy, we need to buy these knives!" I asked what she needed two sets of knives for, and she yelled pointing at the TV, "Hurry, we only have 13 minutes left!"

I broke down laughing, but the fact that a 5 year old girl with absolutely no need for knives would be so sold, made me think. How often do US consumers get suckered into lousy purchases they don't need?

Anyway, I'm proud to say we still do not own a Ron Popeil product. But if you ever feel weak in the knees for something you see on TV, please do an Internet search first. You'll save yourself 3 easy payments of only $XX.XX. Here is just one of the many blog comments about this deal:

"Holy Macraal! I really believe the knives that are being used in a tiny little hut in New Guinea by a shoeless, shirtless 3rd world woman have better quality!!!! I have ALL these knives and nowhere to put them! Used them once and the handles became loose and flimsy. Don't get me started on the way they look after a cycle in the dishmachine; looks like they where dug out of the Titanic! I feel like somebody took my money watted it up into a RONCO solid flavor injector and shoved it right where the [you can guess the rest]!"

Survey Results are Served

The results are officially in on my first Manly Musings poll. Click here to read the post that spawned this poll.

From the results, one can conclude that either:

(A) People really do love their spouses and the thought of eating their better half is absolutely too much to bear.

OR

(B) North Americans are very picky eaters, and their spouse probably has too much trans fat to be a healthy meal anyway.

In any event, thank you for sharing your opinion. Please answer my latest poll on the right side of the page.

A Short Circuited Relationship

Recently I read an article about a scientist that claims by the year 2050 the first human to robot wedding will take place. How far have we sunk as a society that we would consider such garbage?

Look, I like technology and gadgets as much as the next guy, but to think of marrying something made in a factory in China, gives me chills. Besides, what kind of a warranty would I get? Those tech support guys in India think they have it tough when your Dell crashes, wait till it is someone's better half! I can just picture a typical support call...

"Hello, how am I helping you today?"

"Please help, my wife's slumped over in the casserole pan and there's sparks coming out her ears! Oh please help! 911 laughed and hung up on me!"

"Are you tring a reboot? Thank you and have a nice day."

"Wait, don't hang up! I've tried that!"

"Is she having her battery plugged in, also a very common mistake!"

"Yes, yes, of course it is! I said she had sparks coming out her ears!"

"Sir, I am trying to help. Do not be losing your temper. Are you liking strawberry ice-cream? It is my very favorite flavor!"

"What?!"

"I am also liking chocolate, but strawberry is my very best."

"What are you talking about?! My wife, she's dying!"

"OK, you will be needing to pay to ship her to China for a replacement. In about 3 months you will be getting a new unit."

OK, I'll stop there, you get the idea. Not a pretty picture.

I'm making light of all this, but marriage used to be pretty easy to define. It was a 3 way covenant or contract between husband, wife, and God. We need to be tolerant and loving of all people and the lifestyle they choose. But for the good of our country and our tech support friends in India, lets remember what the word marriage means!

Top 10 Things Men Know About Women

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They are supposed to be blank ;)

My Wife is Wonder Woman

I've always known my wife is Wonder Woman. Now I finally have proof. I did one of those celebrity recognition tools on her and this is what I got. I tried it on myself, but I don't think the tool recognizes Borg implants.

Top 10 Signs You May Be Constipated

I think this list needs no explanation.

1. You've finally had to abolish your "If it's yellow let it mellow..." rule.
2. You wonder how much fiber a Big Mac has.
3. You no longer snicker while reading the Bible verse Jerimiah 4:19 "My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart...."
4. You had a 42" LCD TV/DVD combo installed in your bathroom, and watched the whole Star Wars Trilogy in one sitting.
5. When the neighbor's dog does his business on your lawn, instead of chasing him away, you break down crying.
6. You dream you are on a theme park log ride and get jammed up before the big drop off.
7. When you walk you notice your toes are pointing out.
8. You buy your hemorrhoid cream at Costco.
9. You've actually eaten a prune based dessert.
10. You are still using toilet paper you bought for the Y2K scare.

I Ride Bikes...

Yesterday I stumbled onto a note I had written when my daughter was 3 years old. It was a conversation we had about a large scar I have, which I received during a bad mountain biking accident.

My daughter asked, "Daddy, how did you get that ouchy?" I told her the story of my bike accident making sure to embellish the good parts. I then asked, "Have you ever fallen off of your bike?" She thought for a second and replied, "Dad, I ride bikes! I don’t fall off them!" If only I had learned that lesson at such an early age.

Top 10 Ways Working for the Borg Differs From a Large Corporation

Those of you who work for large companies may appreciate this list. For those of you that don't know what or who the Borg are click here.

1. The Borg get the latest hardware and frequent upgrades.
2. The Borg never let anyone go.
3. The Borg train their drones.
4. As a member of the Borg Collective you never have to wonder what management is thinking.
5. The Borg have a sense of community.
6. The Borg adapt quickly.
7. The Borg have good, inexpensive health care.
8. The Borg Collective never has outages, unlike most corporate networks.
9. The Borg don't have to pay for their acquisitions.
10. The Borg are allowed to regenerate once a day.
    

Big Foot Wins Nobel Peace Prize

Al Gore just won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work to combat global warming and climate change. Have they lost their minds? Wasn't the couple Oscars he won bad enough? Al Gore is a hypocrite, he should try living the doctrine he preaches to lower and middle class American families. There are lots of articles citing this.

"Gore's mansion, [20-room, eight-bathroom] located in the posh Belle Meade area of Nashville, consumes more electricity every month than the average American household uses in an entire year, according to the Nashville Electric Service (NES). "

"In his documentary, the former Vice President calls on Americans to conserve energy by reducing electricity consumption at home. "

"The average household in America consumes 10,656 kilowatt-hours (kWh) per year, according to the Department of Energy. In 2006, Gore devoured nearly 221,000 kWh--more than 20 times the national average."

View the full article here.

Talk about An Inconvenient Truth! What would his answer be to this? I'm guessing: "I'm paying for an offset to my carbon footprint." My answer: "SO WHAT BIG FOOT!!!!" I don't believe the climatic indulgences he is paying for absolve him from the social responsibility to practice what he preaches.

Child Obesity

I read an article recently about childhood obesity in the US. The article pointed out that a generation ago over half of kids walked or rode their bikes to school and today less than 10%; in addition, it cited that less than 10% of elementary schools have daily gym. Are you kidding?

When I was a kid we had recess and daily gym. They also pushed us fairly hard in gym class; we did sit ups, push ups, long distance running, etc. I was really disturbed by the article and the direction our youth are headed. Our children's generation may be the first in recorded history to have a shorter average life span than their parents!

So how do we fix this problem? Glad you asked.... First I'd get rid of the title teacher and replace it with the title coach. The title coach has more authority and coaches have the ability to make lazy kids run laps when they screw up. "Forgot to do your homework did you? Give me 50 laps around the school!" "That is the dumbest answer I've ever heard! Drop and give me 100!"

This solution isn't the flowery, coddle your kids till they permanently live in your basement approach, but I think it would get results. Also, replace the school uniforms with sweat suits and we'd really be in business. I'd be willing to bet we'd see a marked improvement in grades as well!

40 Signs You May Be Canadian

I've lived in the US now for quite a while. But I compiled this list to show some of the differences between US and Canadian citizens. You may not understand them all, but if you do, you are probably Canadian.

1. You are constantly trying to plug in your car.
2. You own 1 pair of shorts.
3. You've seen the movie "Strange Brew".
4. Your underwear have a maple leaf on them.
5. You dream about hockey.
6. You pronounce words correctly.
7. You own an Anne Murray CD.
8. You've never had authentic Mexican food.
9. You think Montana's climate is too hot.
10. You can calculate the exchange rate in your head.
11. You visit the doctor when you scrape your knee. "Thank goodness for universal health care!"
12. You own a Don Cherry bobble head.
13. You order takeout from Tim Hortons.
14. You mow the lawn twice each summer, except for that summer back in 99.
15. You own a special belt to hold your pants up; because of the amount of spare change you carry.
16. Your pet dog hunts caribou.
17. You've built a snowman in July.
18. Your favorite radio station still plays "Life is a Highway" by Tom Cochrane.
19. Your school only gives you a 2 month summer vacation.
20. You think a tamale is a small red candy sold at movie theaters. "Man, are those things hot!"
21. Half of what is advertised on TV you are unable to find in stores.
22. You can use "eh" in a sentence.
23. You believe the beaver to be a noble creature and not a rodent.
24. You've met a real live Newfy and you are still telling your friends about it.
25. You were forced to learn French in school.
26. You think Cuba is a great vacation destination.
27. You can name all the celebrities that are Canadian.
28. You own a snow suit.
29. You are not offended by the term "Homo Milk" and know it is not milk from a gay cow.
30. Your favorite potato chip flavor is ketchup.
31. You know Polar Bears aren't really cuddly and how many kilograms the average one weighs.
    
32. You're confused when someone asks you what providence you are from.
33. You believe that Canadian Tire has its own currency.
34. You are confused why anyone would confuse ham with something called Canadian bacon.
35. You use the term Inuit and never say Eskimo.
36. You wish global warming would "hurry up already!"
37. You are still waiting for your new iPhone.
    
38. You think $12 for a happy meal is a good deal.
39. Your school held an assembly called "Frost Bite: The Silent Killer!"
40. Your parents are Asian.

Feel free to add any more you can think of in the comments.

Top Ten Low Budget Christmas Gifts

Being a guy I shouldn't even be mentioning the words "Christmas Shopping" yet. But as I am trying to reach out to my brothers around the world, I thought I'd put some ideas out there.

1. A bottle of Dog the Bounty Hunter's new perfume: "Captured".
2. An IOU for a hug.
   
3. A Salvation Army gift card.
4. A new car, in "Second Life".
5. A real stocking (just one).
6. A used bathroom reader or a one month magazine subscription.
7. One of your pets.
8. A Subway sandwich franchise.
   
9. A visit from two nicely dressed people with brief cases to discuss the pagan roots of the holiday and why we shouldn't give gifts.
10. A box of batteries with a note: "Toys not included".

Please add your ideas in the comments section.

Nerd Quiz

Take the following quiz to determine how nerdy you are. I don't know if I should be proud of my 98 score or be ashamed. It is a fun little quiz to take though.


Post your scores in the comments.

Top Ten Low Budget Halloween Costumes

Halloween is coming up soon! I don't know about you, but I'm tired of throwing a bunch of money at a costume I'll wear once for a couple hours. Please share your ideas for affordable costume ideas. I've tried to include what you'll need to pull off each idea.

1. A Nudist (One birthday suite--just add friends to go as a whole colony).
2. The Charmin Mummy (6 rolls of toilet paper--avoid restrooms).
3. The Invisible Man (Works best if you have no personality).
4. The Incredible Balding Man (One case of male pattern baldness).
5. Super Wedgie Man (One pair of resilient underwear--not for the faint of heart).
6. The Hemroid Avenger (One tube of Preparation H and a pained look).
7. The Headed Horseman (One good head on your sholders).
8. Baby Newyear (One of Grandma's Depends and a baby rattle).
9. Someone Caught Red Handed (One small can of red paint).
10. A Telemarketer (One phone headset and no soul--scariest costume, avoid small children and old people).

Snap Happy

Tonight I'm trying to get my 9 month old girl into her jammies and she starts doing her patented death roll. Those of you with Discovery Channel know what I'm talking about. The death roll is used by a crocodile to subdue its prey; it will spin and spin under water until its victim gives up.

How my 9 month old daughter perfected this move, is beyond me. But it seems that all my kids had that move at her age as well. But here is the point, why do they put all those snaps on baby clothes? Obviously the people who make baby clothes have never had a child of their own, or they'd know the joy involved in trying to fasten 20 plus snaps during a full death roll.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a snap hater (i.e. snapophobe). I believe there are good applications for snaps, like boat covers or as a fly safety mechanism. But have these people not got the memo about the zipper being invented or velcro for that matter? I have to admit that I was fantasizing about velcro during tonights episode. Maybe there is an untapped niche market there.

My Son: The Genius

A few days ago my wife thought it would be interesting to pose a question to our kids. She asked "If you were stuck on a deserted island and you could only have one item with you, what would it be?" A pretty famous question, and one I've changed my answer to many times. In my mind, I started scrolling through the inventory of items I'd consider. But before I could answer my son piped up and said "a boat!"

It was a shot to my pride to be out smarted by a 4 year old, but it isn't the first or the last time I'm sure. I think often adults underestimate the genius contained in a young mind. We can learn a lot by listening to a child.

My New Blog Home

I decided to shorten the name of my blog as I got tired of spel chacking the name each time I entered it. Unfortunately I lost some comments making the move, but I have appreciated all the feedback. So welcome to my new home "Manly Musings"! I hope you are a-mused by my thoughts!

Cannibalism and Christianity

I was reading a blog about a Christian couple that watched that movie "Alive" about a Uruguayan rugby team stranded by a plane crash in the Andes. Those who survived the crash are forced to eat the dead passengers in order to live.

This blog went on and on about the morality of such an act and whether it would be better to die or to eat another human being. What is my take? I'm glad you asked....

I don't have a clear cut answer for this important and age old question. However, I do know one thing.... I would bless my meal with more fervent zeal than our typical Sunday dinner.

Take a minute and answer my poll on the right side of the page. I'd like to know your opinions. Also leave your reasons for voting a certain way in the comments to this post.

Top Ten Reasons Wives Love to Scrapbook

My wife is heading to a scrapbooking retreat in a week and leaving me alone with the kids for 4 days. In honor of all the wives out there who love to scrapbook, I've compiled this top ten list from a male's perspective.

1. How can a husband argue about $200 dollars being spent to forever capture Timmy's first time going potty?
2. Four words: interchangeable die cutting machine. Arrh! Arrh!
3. A scrapbook can become a valuable historical document: "And here is our trip to the zoo, when your Dad had to work! And here is our trip to the fun park, when your Dad had to work!"
4. Pictures don't talk back, complain, or wet their pants.
5. An opportunity to "stamp" on your husband's face!
6. Without scrapbooking such valuable inventions as the glue stick holster may have never been invented, then where would we be?
7. A great way to overcome an addiction is to develop a new one.
8. Finally there is a creative use for all that pesky pet hair that collects around the house. "Look at the cute little Eskimo jacket I made you!"
9. With a bucket of 50 decorative scissors the kids’ sandwiches have taken on a whole new life. "Should I eat it or frame it?"
10. If you get a paper cut it is acid free!
    

The Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear or See on Your Honeymoon

I stumbled onto this list from when I MCed my sister's wedding. I enjoyed writing it and thought I'd add it to my musings.

1. A few days after the wedding night your wife says, "Congratulations, do you think we will have a baby girl or boy?"
2. Your wife returns from shopping and asks, "Do you have any more credit cards? The ones you gave me don't seem to work anymore."
3. While getting ready to take a leisurely dip in the pool your husband comes out of the bathroom with a razor in hand and asks, "Can you shave my back? There are a few spots I couldn't reach."
4. While taking a romantic walk together a total stranger comes up to your spouse and says, "Didn't I see you on Jerry Springer, Elimidate, and Temptation Island?"
5. On your wedding night your wife asks you if you know what a hermaphrodite is?
6. While looking around the honeymoon suite you notice a sign that says, "Please don't feed the roaches!"
7. In the middle of the night your husband wakes you up and informs you, "He sees dead people!"
8. You carry your new bride across the threshold only to have a bunch of strangers yell, "Surprise, you're on Candid Camera!"
9. You arrive at the hotel to check in and the manager gives you an hourly rate.
10. While packing the car to leave for the honeymoon you hear your wife say, "Honey, did you load my mother's bags yet?"
    

Quote of the Month Archive

2007 Quotes

My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.
-- Amy Sedaris

I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
-- Author Unknown

I love Thanksgiving turkey… it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
-- Jay Leno

2008 Quotes

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
-- Author Unknown

I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning. Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.
-- Anonymous (I wonder why?)

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey

If every fool wore a crown, we should all be kings.
--Welsh Proverb

"Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young."
--Author Unknown

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
--Phyllis Diller

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
--Author Unknown

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.
--Doug Larson

2009 Quotes

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution.
--Jay Leno

Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover? You don't want to press your luck.
--Daryl Stout

Niagara Falls of Musing

Many people have asked me what it means to muse. A formal definition could be:

muse - to think or meditate in silence, as on some subject.

However, I do not believe that musing must take place in silence. My musings rush forth like the waters of the mighty Niagara Falls. Those who have been to Niagara Falls know that when you stand next to the falls all you hear is a loud thunderous cascade of water. My musings are similar--loud, thunderous, deafening, and powerful.

In any event, grab a good sturdy barrel and enjoy the ride.

More Musings Than Most!

There are some people out there with some miscellaneous musings, but I have many more. Visit my blog because it has many! Well stay tuned, it will have many.

See this girl? Doesn't she look sad?












The reason she looks so sad is she only has some miscellaneous musings! Cheer up, you can always visit my Blog!