Free Drug Week

Last week Reid and Lynlee's school had a week to educate the kids about the dangers of drugs--Drug Free Week. However, I had a shock when Lynlee announced to me on Monday that it was "Free Drug Week" at school. Needless to say I offered to drive them to school that week.

YouTube Twitter and Facebook

I was watching the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien the other night. They were doing their "In the Year 2000" skit, but have rampped it up to "In the Year 3000". Anyway, the last joke was pretty funny.

"In the year 3000... YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge to create one super time wasting website called You Twit Face!"

Too funny!

You can watch it on Hulu.com for the time being.

Pracitcal Joke 2009

Last year my boss, Joseph, went to Asia for 3 weeks and we thought it would be funny to convert his office into a bathroom here is the link.

This year we decided to go with a backyard theme. Robert was able to procure some left over turf from some work being done on the Lavell Edwards Stadium. With the scrap we were able to sod his whole office. We then outfitted the office with lawn chairs, a barbecue, toys, a pool filled with sand and water. Oh, and a real live turtle for the pool.

We also bought garden hats for the advisement office and dean's office who came down when he arrived. It was a lot of fun. But the hardest part is figuring out what to do next year. It is amazing how it just seems to fall into place though.








Dean Cornia came down to help us out. He has a good sense of humor.

Manly Campout

This past Friday our church held a campout for all fathers and sons. Reid, who is five, was really excited to go.

It has been awhile since Reid has gone camping. When Reid was three we took him on a camping trip with some friends, but the heat, cracking, and popping of the campfire frightened him and we finally found him locked in the car and hiding--poor little guy!

How times have changed! Apparently between the ages of three and five, Reid's Y chromosome has kicked in with a vengeance and he is as much of a pyromaniac as the other boys his age. Most of the boys at the campout were around Reid's age, between four and eight years old. The big excitement of the night was watching these boys try to roast marshmallows over the campfire to make s’mores.

The boys all had sticks or metal skewers and it was both amazing and terrifying to watch this young tribe at work. Some of the boys just enjoyed watching the marshmallows and whatever else they could put in the fire burn. Others would swing their skewers around like they were trying out for the high school fencing team. I almost ended up on the business end of a few skewers trying to add wood to the fire. I'm glad no one came home with an eye patch! I'm also proud to report that the only injury sustained was a small burn blister on one of the boy's hand. Nice work dads!

It is for this reason that mother's aren't invited to these types of campouts. I can't think of any mother that could let their son play with red hot skewers in front of a raging fire, let their son eat his weight in molten marshmallow and at the same time carry on a meaningful conversation about the NBA playoffs and why coach so and so is an idiot! Nope, this is where dads excel!

I don't know how many s’mores Reid ate, but if Guinness had been there recording the event he may have been published. He was covered in sticky melted marshmallow, on his hands, face, and shirt, everywhere! Reid then decided to go run and play with his friends in the dark. I heard him trip over a root and found him lying in the dirt. I picked up Reid; at least I thought it was Reid, who was covered with dirt, wood chips, bark, and leaves which had chemically bonded with the marshmallow. Lucky for me Rochelle had packed a box of baby wipes, it only took about 20 wipes to find my son under the black mess.

Reid had a great time on the campout and wants to go again next weekend. He told me "Dad, sometimes it is just nice to get away from the girls!" We are a little outnumbered in our home, so it was nice to have some male bonding time. I also think he is at home in the woods, where we don't have to worry about climbing on things, throwing blunt objects, or peeing in a toilet.

Zion National Park

A picture says a thousand words. We went to Zion National Park in southern Utah this weekend. Amazing!



I used some freeware to stitch four pictures together. Then we had some fun with the kids pictures.



The views in the park were spectacular. I'd highly recommend going if you haven't been.

Fish in a Barrel

It is 5:00AM, too early to wake up, but my bladder can no longer wait. I stumble into the bathroom, and realize I can’t find my glasses. At 6’4” and near sighted, I make the decision to sit down to avoid any potential misfires. Being married for 9 years has taught me two things (1) always put the seat down and (2) if you sprinkle when you tinkle be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.

As I sit down I think to myself, does the seat usually feel this warm at 5:00AM? Follow-up question--does the seat usually feel warm and wet? How did this happen?!

It turns out I have a five year-old son who, for some reason, likes to use my bathroom in the morning. I also now understand why sisters, mothers, and wives all over the world get so upset over a urine soaked toilet. I’ve honestly never experienced that particular horror in my life before, and I’m not looking forward to experiencing it ever again.

So here is the point of this blog. When you are 6’4” I think the occasional misfire is excusable even understandable, but how does a kid who doesn’t even stand 4 feet miss the toilet consistently?! I mean shouldn’t it be like shooting fish in a barrel?

Well, the other night I found out what is going on. A phenomenon I now refer to as sleep peeing. I heard some noise in the bathroom and went to investigate. To my horror, I found Reid standing there with his pants down, his eyes closed, his hands at his side, and his fire hose (best way I can describe it) flapping around hitting everything. I ran into the line of fire, in hind sight a stupid thing to do, and tried to get "a hold" on the situation, but the damage was done. Ah, the joys of parenthood!

Is it wrong for me to wish my son would just wet the bed?! One day we’ll look back on this and laugh, but if nothing else I have greater empathy for all the women of the world. I also now look twice and sit once.

Daddy Daughter Dance

This past Friday our church held a very cool event for the girls four to twelve years old and their fathers. They put on a Daddy Daughter Dance with a dinner, corsages, music, and of course a glass disco ball. It was a lot of fun, despite trying to keep both my dates, Sadie (4) and Lynlee (6), happy.

For the first dance of the night they played "Butterfly Kisses"--that one always gets me. I was feeling pretty good about myself, because for the first time in my life, I had two girls cutting in and fighting over me on the dance floor. For the next song, I think they played something by Milley Cyrus. As soon as the song changed all the girls turned, left their fathers, ran into the middle of the floor, and started dancing and singing with each other.

This coordinated act by these small females gave me flashbacks to my youth. I remember going to the church sponsored youth dances and watching packs of girls dancing with each other. This, of course, left me and a host of other awkward young men on the outskirts of the dance floor doing our best to act cool.

As I looked around at the other fathers, it was like being transported back in time. Why is it that girls will instinctively dance with each other? I had always thought this was learned behavior, but for most of these girls this was their first formal dance. Could you imagine a group of boys dancing together in a similar situation? I'd imagine everyone would stop in their tracks if such an event took place--I think these boys would have some serious explaining to do at school the next day.

*****

“Hey Leroy!”

“What up?”

“You were sure light on your feet last night! I had no idea you were such a graceful dancer! Do you think you could teach me some of those moves?”

“Sure, boyfriend! By the way, do these dancing tights make my butt look fat? …”

*****

Doesn’t really flow does it?

Anyway, my dates did circle back eventually. OK, I offered to throw in some tosses and spins if they'd come back and dance with me. I'm not proud of the bribery, but it was a step in the right direction from my days as an awkward youth.

At the end of the night I tried to lock up some commitments for high school prom. Lynlee wasn't sold on the idea but Sadie gave me the knod. They grow up so fast, and it was awesome to see so many happy girls to be on a date with their dad, I'm going to miss these days!

TV Trasher

A couple weeks ago our five year old, Reid, trashed our downstairs TV. It has taken several weeks for me to find the situation humorous enough to write about. Let me preface this story with some facts.

Our TV was not a LCD that can be knocked over if a child runs past it too fast. The TV was a Sony Wega 32" display. The TV weighs 176 pounds! I made sure to bolt the entertainment center to the wall studs, but the TV I didn't worry about, did I mention it weighs 176 pounds?!! Also, let me preface the story by saying I feel very lucky to have lost only a TV and not a five year-old boy.

Like most men I made sure to get a TV that fits perfectly in the entertainment center. There is nothing worse than a TV with five or six inches around it. Unfortunately, there was enough space for our four year-old Sadie to drop the remote behind the TV. We all knew the remote was behind the TV, but seeing that the TV was 176 pounds, I put off retrieving the remote till I could get some help. It wasn't going anywhere.

Well, this turned out to be a huge mistake. Reid and his best friend were playing video games and decided to watch a movie. I guess at some point during this process they felt that pushing the buttons on the player and TV was too demeaning. Reid, then said "I've got a plan!" Reid and his friend each grabbed a side of the TV. The plan was to lower the 176 pound TV to the ground so they could retrieve the remote. Then they would let Dad put it back when he got home from work. As a couple Spider Men in training (that is what they were going to watch), this would be the perfect test of their abilities.

So they counted off "one, two, threeeee!" and the two of them managed to pull the TV to the point where it tipped out of the entertainment center and smashed to the ground. They both ran for it. The force of the TV falling yanked the cable out of the TV causing the wires to touch and blow the circuit breakers in the basement and knocked out all the lights. Reid's friend quickly excused himself and headed for home--smart kid.

My wife called me on my way home from work. I had to investigate with a flashlight, but it wasn't hard to put the pieces together.

I felt very lucky that no one was hurt. Rochelle and I watched the news that night and a child died the same day doing the exact same thing. The child pulled a 27" CRT TV over and it fell on him, he died at the hospital. I'm convinced Reid has an army of guardian angels following him at all times. I guess it is time to reevaluate what needs to be bolted down.

Cuddle Crazy

Tonight I told the kids that the first one to get their pajamas on, brush their teeth, and get into bed would get a special cuddle from their daddy. I know that doesn't sound like a great incentive, but our little Sadie, who is three, rushed to get ready for bed.

I was feeling pretty good about myself that she was so modivated to get a cuddle from her dad. I asked her, "So you really like to cuddle with your dad don't you?" She replied, "No, I just like to cuddle people!" I'm not feeling so special right now, and I'm trying to figure out how I can keep her from dating till she is thirty or so.

Top Ten Poor Career Choices for the Millennium

The other day I was talking with some friends about the Millennium. Somehow we got on the topic of which careers would not be needed, when it comes. I thought our list was a pretty good start. Can you think of any more?

1. Butcher


2. Lawyer


3. Adult Movie Star


4. Doctor


5. Grave Digger


6. False Prophet


7. Rabbi


8. Police Officer


9. President/King/Military Commander


10. Lion Tamer

P.S. One of my resolutions is to blog more in the new year. I'll try to do better than I have the past couple months.

Ikea - Swedish for Sweat Equity

The other day Rochelle laid down the law and told me it was time she had a decent work/project desk. Of course money is tight these days, and so we decided the best place to purchase said desk would be Ikea.

I've honestly never really bought anything major at Ikea. I've enjoyed their meatballs and hotdogs in the past, but I've never really made a major purchase at the store. So the whole trip was a learning experience for me.

Since it was Saturday and I knew I'd be in for a long trip with lots of other customers, I decided to get some meatballs. There is nothing worse than shopping on an empty stomach. The food was pretty good, but as I was leaving a lady grabbed me by the arm and pointed to a sign that said something about cleaning up your tray so Ikea could keep prices low. Well I didn't want to single handedly cause "Ikea inflation" so I did my part to clean up my table and tray.

Next I managed to make my way through the maze of displays and find the workarea lady. She helped me configure the desk and generated a two page shopping list. Two pages for a single desk? "OK, where do I bring my car to pick it up?" She then informed me I had to go pick out the packages in the warehouse, which is how they keep prices low. So I proceeded to make my way to the warehouse. Only one problem, I had to walk through two miles of merchandise to get there.

At this point I'm starting to feel like I'm in a video game quest. Talking to people trying to find a short cut, gathering the necessary puzzle pieces, and decoding the map I was given to find my list of items. Truthfully, my one desk required 13 packages!

The first 12 packages were all fairly small, but number 13 was about 6 feet long and 5 feet wide. Disregarding the picture of two happy Swedish fellows lifting the box, I somehow managed to finagle the package on to my cart by myself and made it to the checkout. At this point I'm tired, sweaty, and ready to get home.

The girl at the checkout then scolds me for not lining up the bar codes on my 13 packages correctly. She asks "Sir, haven't you shopped here before?" I jokingly replied, "A better question to ask is, will I shop here again?" She then said, "We keep prices lower by having you line up packages so we can scan items faster."

At this point in my shopping trip I'm having two thoughts (1) the guy who started Ikea is brilliant because he has basically turned all his customers into his employees and (2) how do I apply for a job at Ikea? As I'm leaving they have a special for two hot dogs, a pop, and chips for $2. Perfect, I've seriously worked up an appetite and that is too good of deal to pass up. Ikea makes me happy again.

So I victoriously get all 13 packages I need home, amazingly not forgetting any. I open all the packages and get the directions out only to discover that apparently Swedish furniture makers communicate using cryptic pictographs instead of words. Then the thought comes to my mind, "We keep our prices lower by not translating instructions and letting you figure it out."

OK, so at this point let me conclude that I'm all for keeping prices low. We all need a break with soaring gas prices, inflation, and the sagging economy. But it isn't me clearing my plate or lining up my packages that keeps Ikea prices low. It is the fact that all Ikea furniture is made from wood chips and glue. There I said it. That is the real secret, but I still may apply for a job there. I wonder if they give employees free meatballs?

Virtually Made It

The other day we took the kids to the park. Earlier in the day I watched my four year old son, Reid, perform amazing feats on the game cube game "Mario Dance Party". It was a real blow to my pride to be bested by a four year old.

At the park I was pushing the kids on the swing and I saw Reid trying to time the swing so he could run behind it. I watched him bolt for it just in time to have the swing and child nail him in the head and send him flying. I ran to make sure he was alright, but then had to fight back the urge to laugh about the whole situation.

Earlier in the day I was so impressed with my son's timing and ability to perform in a video game. But when it came to a real world situation he wasn't as impressive. I guess we better hit the gym together.

Tech Support

Here are some pictures of India, the place you call for tech support. It all makes perfect sense now doesn't it :)?! A friend sent these to me and I had to share them. Click the pictures to see a bigger version.

Pracitcal Joke

My boss has been in Asia for the past 3 weeks on a study abroad program. Due to construction in our building we've lost the use of the bathroom on our floor. As a joke we thought it would be amusing to convert my boss' office into a bathroom. I thought I'd share some pictures of the finished product. He gets back tomorrow, I can't wait!








For the big reveal we got the new Dean to surprise him. It was priceless.

Kids vs Happiness

I've been terrible at blogging lately. I don't have a good excuse. But I have been commuting to work 7 hours each way each week and being away from my family has really cut my writing material down. Honestly, the most interesting things that happen to me each week are related to my role as a husband and father.

Case and point: last week when I was leaving home to make my drive back to work my wife prayed that I'd be safe and not have an accident. Lynlee as soon as the prayer was over looked puzzled and said, "Dad are you worried about having a pee accident on the drive or a car accident?" I promptly answered "yes!" You know how men are on the open road, they can't be bothered to stop for anything!

I had an interesting experience driving home this weekend, I stopped in to SubWay for a foot long sub. All the sitting in the car really works up an appetite! While I was enjoying my Spicy Italian (the sub people!), a news study came on the radio about family life. Some Harvard geniuses (I'm using a sarcastic tone in my mind) found that a married couple's happiness drops significantly when they have a child. They also found that the couple's happiness continues to drop with each additional child.

If this study is true, and if you know anything about studies that is a big if, I think it is very sad. I admit my life was simpler when it was just me and my lovely wife. I only had one other birthday to remember and I was fortune to marry someone born on the same day as myself. That took a lot of work and planning let me tell you! But seriously, there is no greater joy than a loving family life.

Now that I am away from my family during the week, I realize how much joy they do bring me. I really miss each of them and long to be with them. I wonder if that Harvard study was run by a team of happily married researchers with lots of well taught children? Hmmm, probably not! Sounds like a case of ever learning and never coming to a knowledge of the truth.

I Miss What I Miss

This past month I've been commuting to my new job, which means I don't see my family during the week. I look forward to the weekend, when I can see my wife and kids. Today we went shopping and bought some lightsabers for the kids (not real ones of course). I decided to try and give my wife a break so I cooked dinner and offered to watch the kids so she could have some personal time.

I had a great time with the kids, they are never boring. But I have to shake my head sometimes.

"I see that your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now—let's see how well you can handle it."

After dinner my four year-old son decided to unzip his jean shorts and lodge his lightsaber in there. He then proceeded to shake his hips back and forth warding off the attacks from his sisters. Holding back my laughter, I don't want him to know it was funny, I disarmed him.

When I turned around my one year-old daughter had her feet and head on the ground. Her arm was reached way back behind her bum with a water bottle. She was dumping the water on her butt and watching the water run off her diaper between her legs.

Kids just know how to have fun, they really do keep life interesting.

Don't Talk with Your Mouth Full

Several weeks ago we were sitting at the table as a family enjoying a nice dinner. The conversations are pretty basic in our family, since our oldest is only 6, but they are always lively. There is usually ample competition to get the microphone, so to speak.

Our four year-old son jumped in on the conversation with his usual zeal. He usually tells us about his exploits playing Lego Star Wars, what Lego Star Wars character he wants to buy next, or that "so and so" just got the new Lego Star Wars game--you get the idea. But the whole time he is talking, his mouth is stuffed with pepperoni pizza, and I mean stuffed. None of us had a clue what he was saying, while he chomped and sputtered on.

Finally, my wife couldn't take it any more. "Reid! Don't talk with your mouth full!" she said. Without missing a beat he expelled a huge wad of pizza into his hand and continued talking, the whole time with that large ball of chewed pizza sitting in his palm. All I could do was laugh. I had to admire his simple, but effective resolution to the problem.

I'm Back

This past month has been a blur and my blogging has seriously suffered. This month I started a new job, which is going well but is keeping me very busy. There is always so much to learn when you start something new.

To complicate matters more, the job is out of state so I've been spending my weekends commuting rather than musing. But everything is going great and I'm excited to get my musing gears moving again!

Mindless Entertainment

Who Said "White Men Can't Jump!"



I Wish I Had This Much Time (Music Made With Windows 98 & XP Sounds)

I'm Exhausting

On the weekend we took a family trip to the zoo. It is a bit of a drive from where we live but the kids always do great going to fun destinations. It is the trip coming home that can be scary. During our ride home, our oldest daughter decided she was fed up with the long drive. "I'm exhausting, I'm exhausting!" She kept whining that over and over again. She didn't get any argument from her parents. We also didn't bother to correct her grammar.