At the Buzzer

First off let me say that I am not a sexist. Women are wonderful, and have men beat in so many areas it would be impossible for me to even attempt to list here. But there is one area where men excel over women, hands down, and that is in the art of last-minute Christmas shopping.

Yesterday, I braved the crowds to try and get my shopping done. I take great pride in my ability to, just before the buzzer, pull off the win. Something I took from my days playing High School Basketball and other competitive sports. Most women get their Christmas shopping done months (often many, many, many months) in advance, but men know that it is the last few minutes, or even seconds that the game is either won or lost. That is why we wait for the perfect moment, and then come out with our guns blazing.

But this is where I could get in trouble with some of the females reading this post. OK, I'm just going to throw it out there--I think women should be banned from Christmas shopping after December 20th! There I said it! But let me share a few experiences from yesterday that demonstrate my point.

Have you ever noticed that the longest checkout lines seem to move the fastest? I'm not kidding; usually I am very careful to not look at just the length of the line but more importantly, the cashier, and even more importantly, the customers in front of me. Yesterday, I broke my rule and got in the short line behind a lady that was the slowest I've ever seen. I should have left the line, but when you are next, you know as soon as you leave you'll miss your turn. Well, that didn't happen. This lady asked for price checks, wanted to know if they had the item in a different color, she even wanted the cashier to call and see how much she had on her Visa gift card so she didn't go over on it. I'm sorry, but this is the type of shopping that must take place before December 20th, when you don't have 10 people behind you. I finally did bail on the line, started the waiting process over, and still beat her out of the store!

I then went to another store to take an item back. The customer service desk was very large with two sides and two lines on each side of it. I picked a line and waited patiently for my turn. Finally, the lady behind the counter asked, "How can I help you sir?" I began to explain my return, when a lady from the other line slapped her hand on the counter and yelled, "OH NO YOU DON'T!" I said, "Excuse me?" She then said, "I was here before you! It is my turn!" and pushed her way in front of me, which I gladly conceded. I could tell the Christmas stress was taking its toll on her.

I had a lot of time to ponder these events as I waited in yet another line. I looked at the line across from me and saw a man who seemed very calm, an attribute I've always admired in the great athletes like Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods. I thought to myself, "Now there is a man who is a veteran last-minute Christmas shopper!" I then surveyed his purchase, and had to smile. On the checkout counter was about a hundred pairs of different colored socks, a mop, and a broom. Would I buy my wife a mop and broom for Christmas? Not on your life! But he demonstrated the gutsy, split second decision making ability necessary to be a successful last-minute Christmas shopper. So his purchases didn’t diminish my respect for him.

Women are more thoughtful, they feel more, they care more that the gift is the perfect gift for that cherished someone, and this added stress can push many over the top. So let's get a bill on the table banning women from Christmas shopping after December 20th! Not for us men, but for our sisters, mothers, daughters, and wives, which we love and just want to be happy and healthy!