2007 Quotes
My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.
-- Amy Sedaris
I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
-- Author Unknown
I love Thanksgiving turkey… it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
-- Jay Leno
2008 Quotes
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
-- Author Unknown
I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning. Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.
-- Anonymous (I wonder why?)
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey
If every fool wore a crown, we should all be kings.
--Welsh Proverb
"Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young."
--Author Unknown
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
--Phyllis Diller
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
--Author Unknown
If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.
--Doug Larson
2009 Quotes
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution.
--Jay Leno
Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover? You don't want to press your luck.
--Daryl Stout
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