Ikea - Swedish for Sweat Equity

The other day Rochelle laid down the law and told me it was time she had a decent work/project desk. Of course money is tight these days, and so we decided the best place to purchase said desk would be Ikea.

I've honestly never really bought anything major at Ikea. I've enjoyed their meatballs and hotdogs in the past, but I've never really made a major purchase at the store. So the whole trip was a learning experience for me.

Since it was Saturday and I knew I'd be in for a long trip with lots of other customers, I decided to get some meatballs. There is nothing worse than shopping on an empty stomach. The food was pretty good, but as I was leaving a lady grabbed me by the arm and pointed to a sign that said something about cleaning up your tray so Ikea could keep prices low. Well I didn't want to single handedly cause "Ikea inflation" so I did my part to clean up my table and tray.

Next I managed to make my way through the maze of displays and find the workarea lady. She helped me configure the desk and generated a two page shopping list. Two pages for a single desk? "OK, where do I bring my car to pick it up?" She then informed me I had to go pick out the packages in the warehouse, which is how they keep prices low. So I proceeded to make my way to the warehouse. Only one problem, I had to walk through two miles of merchandise to get there.

At this point I'm starting to feel like I'm in a video game quest. Talking to people trying to find a short cut, gathering the necessary puzzle pieces, and decoding the map I was given to find my list of items. Truthfully, my one desk required 13 packages!

The first 12 packages were all fairly small, but number 13 was about 6 feet long and 5 feet wide. Disregarding the picture of two happy Swedish fellows lifting the box, I somehow managed to finagle the package on to my cart by myself and made it to the checkout. At this point I'm tired, sweaty, and ready to get home.

The girl at the checkout then scolds me for not lining up the bar codes on my 13 packages correctly. She asks "Sir, haven't you shopped here before?" I jokingly replied, "A better question to ask is, will I shop here again?" She then said, "We keep prices lower by having you line up packages so we can scan items faster."

At this point in my shopping trip I'm having two thoughts (1) the guy who started Ikea is brilliant because he has basically turned all his customers into his employees and (2) how do I apply for a job at Ikea? As I'm leaving they have a special for two hot dogs, a pop, and chips for $2. Perfect, I've seriously worked up an appetite and that is too good of deal to pass up. Ikea makes me happy again.

So I victoriously get all 13 packages I need home, amazingly not forgetting any. I open all the packages and get the directions out only to discover that apparently Swedish furniture makers communicate using cryptic pictographs instead of words. Then the thought comes to my mind, "We keep our prices lower by not translating instructions and letting you figure it out."

OK, so at this point let me conclude that I'm all for keeping prices low. We all need a break with soaring gas prices, inflation, and the sagging economy. But it isn't me clearing my plate or lining up my packages that keeps Ikea prices low. It is the fact that all Ikea furniture is made from wood chips and glue. There I said it. That is the real secret, but I still may apply for a job there. I wonder if they give employees free meatballs?

Virtually Made It

The other day we took the kids to the park. Earlier in the day I watched my four year old son, Reid, perform amazing feats on the game cube game "Mario Dance Party". It was a real blow to my pride to be bested by a four year old.

At the park I was pushing the kids on the swing and I saw Reid trying to time the swing so he could run behind it. I watched him bolt for it just in time to have the swing and child nail him in the head and send him flying. I ran to make sure he was alright, but then had to fight back the urge to laugh about the whole situation.

Earlier in the day I was so impressed with my son's timing and ability to perform in a video game. But when it came to a real world situation he wasn't as impressive. I guess we better hit the gym together.

Tech Support

Here are some pictures of India, the place you call for tech support. It all makes perfect sense now doesn't it :)?! A friend sent these to me and I had to share them. Click the pictures to see a bigger version.

Pracitcal Joke

My boss has been in Asia for the past 3 weeks on a study abroad program. Due to construction in our building we've lost the use of the bathroom on our floor. As a joke we thought it would be amusing to convert my boss' office into a bathroom. I thought I'd share some pictures of the finished product. He gets back tomorrow, I can't wait!








For the big reveal we got the new Dean to surprise him. It was priceless.

Kids vs Happiness

I've been terrible at blogging lately. I don't have a good excuse. But I have been commuting to work 7 hours each way each week and being away from my family has really cut my writing material down. Honestly, the most interesting things that happen to me each week are related to my role as a husband and father.

Case and point: last week when I was leaving home to make my drive back to work my wife prayed that I'd be safe and not have an accident. Lynlee as soon as the prayer was over looked puzzled and said, "Dad are you worried about having a pee accident on the drive or a car accident?" I promptly answered "yes!" You know how men are on the open road, they can't be bothered to stop for anything!

I had an interesting experience driving home this weekend, I stopped in to SubWay for a foot long sub. All the sitting in the car really works up an appetite! While I was enjoying my Spicy Italian (the sub people!), a news study came on the radio about family life. Some Harvard geniuses (I'm using a sarcastic tone in my mind) found that a married couple's happiness drops significantly when they have a child. They also found that the couple's happiness continues to drop with each additional child.

If this study is true, and if you know anything about studies that is a big if, I think it is very sad. I admit my life was simpler when it was just me and my lovely wife. I only had one other birthday to remember and I was fortune to marry someone born on the same day as myself. That took a lot of work and planning let me tell you! But seriously, there is no greater joy than a loving family life.

Now that I am away from my family during the week, I realize how much joy they do bring me. I really miss each of them and long to be with them. I wonder if that Harvard study was run by a team of happily married researchers with lots of well taught children? Hmmm, probably not! Sounds like a case of ever learning and never coming to a knowledge of the truth.

I Miss What I Miss

This past month I've been commuting to my new job, which means I don't see my family during the week. I look forward to the weekend, when I can see my wife and kids. Today we went shopping and bought some lightsabers for the kids (not real ones of course). I decided to try and give my wife a break so I cooked dinner and offered to watch the kids so she could have some personal time.

I had a great time with the kids, they are never boring. But I have to shake my head sometimes.

"I see that your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now—let's see how well you can handle it."

After dinner my four year-old son decided to unzip his jean shorts and lodge his lightsaber in there. He then proceeded to shake his hips back and forth warding off the attacks from his sisters. Holding back my laughter, I don't want him to know it was funny, I disarmed him.

When I turned around my one year-old daughter had her feet and head on the ground. Her arm was reached way back behind her bum with a water bottle. She was dumping the water on her butt and watching the water run off her diaper between her legs.

Kids just know how to have fun, they really do keep life interesting.

Don't Talk with Your Mouth Full

Several weeks ago we were sitting at the table as a family enjoying a nice dinner. The conversations are pretty basic in our family, since our oldest is only 6, but they are always lively. There is usually ample competition to get the microphone, so to speak.

Our four year-old son jumped in on the conversation with his usual zeal. He usually tells us about his exploits playing Lego Star Wars, what Lego Star Wars character he wants to buy next, or that "so and so" just got the new Lego Star Wars game--you get the idea. But the whole time he is talking, his mouth is stuffed with pepperoni pizza, and I mean stuffed. None of us had a clue what he was saying, while he chomped and sputtered on.

Finally, my wife couldn't take it any more. "Reid! Don't talk with your mouth full!" she said. Without missing a beat he expelled a huge wad of pizza into his hand and continued talking, the whole time with that large ball of chewed pizza sitting in his palm. All I could do was laugh. I had to admire his simple, but effective resolution to the problem.

I'm Back

This past month has been a blur and my blogging has seriously suffered. This month I started a new job, which is going well but is keeping me very busy. There is always so much to learn when you start something new.

To complicate matters more, the job is out of state so I've been spending my weekends commuting rather than musing. But everything is going great and I'm excited to get my musing gears moving again!

Mindless Entertainment

Who Said "White Men Can't Jump!"



I Wish I Had This Much Time (Music Made With Windows 98 & XP Sounds)

I'm Exhausting

On the weekend we took a family trip to the zoo. It is a bit of a drive from where we live but the kids always do great going to fun destinations. It is the trip coming home that can be scary. During our ride home, our oldest daughter decided she was fed up with the long drive. "I'm exhausting, I'm exhausting!" She kept whining that over and over again. She didn't get any argument from her parents. We also didn't bother to correct her grammar.

Top Ten Sylvester Stallone Movie Ideas

It is amazing to me how many aging, action movie stars are trying to make a comeback. Arguably, foremost among them is Sylvester Stallone, who was most famous for playing characters like John Rambo and Rocky Balboa.

I have to admit I've spent many hours as a youth enjoying these types of action movies--a fact I'm not overly proud of. At first I'm appalled when I hear of these comebacks. Stallone, for instance, is not only the same age as President Bush but he also shares the same birthday (July 6, 1946). When you do the math that makes him 61 years old!

The fact that Stallone is 60+ is not a deal breaker. But to continue to make action movies, he'll need creative ideas and solid scripts with the right spin. With the right spin anything is possible, which is why I've decided to help the man out and give him some future ideas for projects.

1. "Dis-orderly Conduct" - Rambo is placed in an assisted living home and must escape. The movie starts out with John Rambo pretending to have a cardiac event in bed. As the orderly leans over him to check his vitals, Rambo smothers him with the Depends he's managed to wiggle out of. This starts his big escape as he systematically takes out the doctors and nursing staff.
2. "RamboCop" - The military decides to refurbish their aging asset using cyborg technology. This would be a little bit like RoboCop but so much cooler.
3. "Tour of Duty" - Rambo and his Asian mistress tour the US in a stolen RV with the police in close pursuit.
   
4. "Rocky Carcinoma" - Rocky must battle his toughest opponent yet. An eleven rounder with prostate cancer!
5. "401K Cliffhanger" - Stallone plays an aging movie star who is ready to retire. However, his reckless spending habits and appetite for the finer things in life have made this impossible--forcing the actor to push off retirement. Will his financial advisers be able to help him save enough to make his retirement dreams possible?
6. "Over the Hill" - This would be the sequel to Stallone's under appreciated arm wrestling movie "Over the Top".
7. "Rocky Roid" - No, this isn't a flavor of ice cream, and no it is not a movie about Rocky shooting up with steroids to stay in the game. Rather, it is the inspiring story of the aged boxer's struggle to regain the title while dealing with a flaring bout of hemorrhoids.
8. "Put to Pasture" - A cleaver play on Rocky's title "The Italian Stallion". I still have to work out the plot on this one.
9. "Eye of the Turtle" - One of my favorite songs in the 80s was "Eye of the Tiger" and the Rocky movies did a great job of exploiting that theme. Now 60+, Rocky must exploit a new strategy to find success--the "Eye of the Turtle".
10. "Last Blood" - I think this title speaks for itself.
    

Start Clapping!

The other night I was teaching our 3 year old little girl how to shoot hoops on our Fisher Price basketball hoop. I grew up playing a lot of basketball and must admit that I am a huge fan of the sport. I'm really hoping our kids will take an interest in playing basketball as well.

In an effort to cultivate this interest, I was showing her how to shoot the ball. I also, strategically, made all kinds of noise and applause every time she made a basket--hoping she'd find this encouraging. This went on for probably about 30 minutes until I got distracted with one of the other kids and didn't see her make a basket.

She walked up to me grabbed my face and turned it towards her. Then she put both hands on her hips, scrunched up her face, and said in a disgruntled voice, "START CLAPPING!" It was one of those moments you had to be there to really appreciate. Somehow I think whatever activities or hobbies she chooses to do, she won't have a problem demanding the attention she deserves.

My 2008 Ballot Proposal

Budget Cuts

Our country is in a terrible mess, which has led a larger than average percentage of the nation to be glued to the 2008 presidential election. I think it is great that so many people are watching the election and looking to make change, but we have another problem on the horizon--the problem of uninformed or, for the lack of a politically correct term, dumb voters.

I am extremely grateful to live in a free country, even if it has become less such over the past decade. I also cherish the fact that we live in a democracy, because history and common sense informs us that the voice of the people will usually pick the best candidate. I also think it was essential that the right to vote was afforded to all people regardless of race, gender, or economic status. In the early days of the country that right was only afforded to the land owners and wealthy elite, because it was viewed that they were in the best position to make such decisions for the common good. Yeah right!

So where am I going with this? We have the responsibility as citizens to make informed decisions. Not to vote for a candidate just because they tell us what we want to hear or make us feel warm and fuzzy inside. We shouldn't vote or not vote for a candidate because they are a certain color, religion, or gender. We should judge each candidate by not only their words but more importantly their track record, their character, and the merits of their campaign. While I think affording all citizens the right to vote is critical, I wish there were some way to weed out the bad apples.

So here is my simple proposal for the 2008 ballot. The first part of the ballot is a 10 question quiz asking basic economic, civic, and political questions that any voter should know. Once the ballot is completed and turned in, the electronic counter first grades the 10 question quiz. If the voter passes (say a score of 50% or more), their vote is added to the totals, but if they fail the ballet is sent to a shredder where it belongs. I know it sounds a little harsh, but would it be such a bad thing to force voters to study a little before they cast their ballot?

The voter doesn't even need to know if they passed or not. Although, it would be funny to print off a little score sheet with a little Uncle Sam giving them the thumbs up or down. So in submitting my proposal, I thought I'd write a sample quiz for the 2008 ballot. Please let me know if you have any good questions to add.

Sample Ballot Quiz (true or false):

1. Social Security is a great program and the government should be able to force how I invest my money for retirement because I'm not responsible enough.
   
2. Socialized Health Care is good because it is fun to wait 6 months to see a doctor or to have everyone with a sneeze or sniffle in the emergency room ahead of me.
3. I can't wait for our currency to change to the Amero!
4. I'd like my government to tag me with a RFID chip like a typical family pet because that would solve the immigration problem the government doesn't want to fix.
   
5. The Federal Reserve, which controls the nation's money supply, is under the umbrella of the government and is not a privately owned corporation.
6. The war in Iraq is about freeing an oppressed people and defending our country against the very people that caused the attack on September 11, 2001.
7. The National Debt is good because it means I get lots of stuff without paying for it.
8. I would use the word "FAIR" to describe our trade with China.
9. I'd gladly give up my freedom and liberties as a citizen to have the government tell me I'm a little bit safer.
10. The best way to fix a problem is through government regulation.
    

I'm A Keeper

Teething is not fun! I'm not speaking from some deep repressed memory I have of my own experience cutting teeth, but from my experience as a father. Recently our little baby girl has been working on a few new top teeth, and it has been a painful experience for everyone involved. We have a shirt that seems to lighten the mood a bit. It seems to fit the kids right when they are at this teething stage. The shirt simply says, "I'M A KEEPER". I appreciate my wife using the shirt, because when I see it, I know to tread lightly. I also appreciate the fact that you can't help but smile when you see a little kid in this shirt. The last picture shows two brand new pearly whites! Whew!

I'm Hungry!

Yesterday I decided to pick up some lunch for the whole family. My oldest daughter, who is 5, insisted on accompanying me. I let her come along, knowing full well what would happen. As soon as the food was in the car, the whining began.

"Daddy, Daddy! I'm soooooo hungry! Can I have a french fry? Please, oh please!"

"No sweet heart, you have to wait till we get home."

"But I'm so hungry; can't I just have one fry?"

This conversation continued for several minutes back and forth, until I pulled out one of the oldest parent lines related to this topic. It is one of those lines you inherit from your parents, but swear you will never use.

"You don't even know what it is to be hungry! There are people, poor people, who are dying and don't have enough food! So don't cry and tell me you're hungry, because you don't know what that even means!"

There was a pause for a couple seconds. "Finally," I thought to myself. Then my daughter spoke up.

"Dad, those people are starving! I'm just very hungry, and I do know what that means!"

I can see my argument winning days are quickly coming to an end.

The Kid Eliminator

I hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Years!

This year I tried to put a lot of thought into the presents I purchased for my wife. I really appreciate her and all she does for our family. As one of her stocking stuffers I purchased a pair of commercial-grade ear muffs (ear protection) that will block noise up to 21 dB. On the package I wrote "The Kid Eliminator".

I thought with the ear protection, when I watch the kids, my wife could take a nap, bath, or read a book and it would be like having no kids. Don't get me wrong we both love our kids very much, but sometimes moms and dads need a break from the screaming, crying, nagging, whining, and general horseplay. At this point, some of you are probably thinking, "What a great idea! I need to get a pair of those!" It is funny how kids can take a good idea and turn it upside down on you.

So what has happened? The kids have found the ear muffs and they are a favorite toy now. One of our kids will put the ear muffs on and they will all start jumping on the bed and scream at the top of the lungs. This is, of course, hilarious to them as the one wearing the protection can barely hear the screaming. Then they will switch and repeat the whole exercise. This has increased their noise levels dramatically and turned "The Kid Eliminator" into "The Kid Amplifier". Oh well, if you can't beat them, join them!

Christmas Poll Results

This was a pretty lame survey. I promise I'll try and do better in the future. Based on the results, you may want to check the expiry dates on some of your perishable gifts this year, before digging in!