The Sweet Spot

All you have to do is watch about 5 minutes of AFV (America's Funniest Home Videos) to realize that kids have a gift for locating and attacking a certain region of the male anatomy, which I will furthermore refer to as the sweet spot.

The other night I was wrestling with the kids on the floor and made the rookie mistake of laying on my back (what was I thinking?!) and bear hugging my 2 year old daughter. This gave my 4 year old son the window he needed to land a flying headbutt right in the sweet spot. I understand accidents happen, we are all human, but my kids (all of them) connect at a frequency that I can no longer excuse to mere coincidence or chance.

Probably the most embarrassing episode was at the amusement park. I was waiting in line with the kids for a ride. My son wasn't too thrilled with the wait and started to leave the line. I told him to come back and in his frustration he ran at me and connected with his fist. I heard about 20 people groan "OOOOH! OOOOUCH! AAAAH!" in sympathy as I jack knifed to my knees. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to get us to the front of the line.

Anyway, I'm thinking of starting a brand of protective equipment for fathers. We have protection for hockey, baseball, and other sports, why not being a father? I'd love to see the kids little faces when their head or fist connected with a piece of American forged steel! Stay tuned for where to buy your made in the USA "Blockstrap" (patent pending--all rights reserved).

Big Eyes

It has become kind of a tradition in our family that Friday is our pizza/movie night. The kids look forward to this each week and it is a lot of fun. This past Friday we rented Shrek the Third. The movie was pretty good, the kids love the character Puss in Boots and his big sad eyes.

Tonight my five year old daughter wanted to be carried upstairs to bed, but I had my hands full. I told her I had to take the baby upstairs and she'd have to walk. She then put her hands under her chin and tried to mimic the sad face Puss in Boots does in the movie. It was pretty funny, but you had to be there to really appreciate her acting chops.

Top Ten Signs It's Time Lose Weight

I'm coming to the realization that I need to lose some extra baggage. Today I bought my son a whoopie cushion, he is only 4 so that kind of thing is hilarious to him. Well, I sat on it and instead of the embarrassing noise it made a loud pop. I guess the force of me sitting on it was too much and it exploded. In any event, that is what inspired this list.

1. It's been over a year without dusting off "Sweatin to the Oldies" and slapping it in the VCR.
2. You've actually used the phrase, "So that's where I put that" in relation to a lost item and your belly button.
3. Your signature Halloween costume is Jabba the Hutt but you can no longer find a willing Princess Leia.
   
4. You've eaten or seriously contemplated eating food from the garbage, "What a waste!"
   
5. The remote control batteries died and you were forced to watch the same channel for two weeks, "I could get up if I wanted to, but I like The Weather Channel!"
   
6. You get misty eyed during Fat Albert reruns.
7. You've bitten the finger of a friend or family member who has tried to eat food off your plate.
8. You own the Platinum Member Country Buffet credit card.
9. Someone gave you a fruit cake for Christmas and you ate it.
10. When asked the question, "Which came first the chicken or the egg?" all you can think of is which you'd eat first.

Kid Germs

Yesterday I was giving my kids their bath. We have four little ones, which fills up the tub nicely. It works out good, because I only need to use about 2 cups of water to give them their nightly bath. I guess you could say I'm doing my part to protect the environment or as the hip among us would say, "Go Green!"

Anyway, I grabbed a towel to dry them off only to find my son drinking the bath water. In my early days of parenthood this would have triggered panic, denial, or both. However, I was able to defuse the situation without the shock and awe of my earlier days. Don't get me wrong, I'm still grossed out by it, but I stay a little cooler now. So I gave him the lecture about drinking bath water (AGAIN!) and put the kids to bed.

It got me thinking about germs though. As a society we are dead set on the eradication of all microbes and germs. Soooo many companies use this to guilt parents into buying disinfectant wipes, and disinfectant hand sanitizer, and disinfectant everything. When the door to door vacuum salesmen come to your door, they try to make you feel guilty for not buying their product for your children and their health.

Look, I believe we should keep our homes clean, bathe, etc. But sometimes I wonder if all these disinfectants do more harm than good. Maybe it is just me, but the families I know that disinfect the most also seem to get sick the most. I'm starting to wonder if my kids and David Hasselhoff know something I don't.

Perhaps by drinking a little bath water, eating a few items off the floor, and chewing on other kids' toys they are, in effect, vaccinating themselves--building up an immunity to the world around them. I have no studies to back this theory up, I thought about making some data up like the news media would, but I won't stoop to their level. Besides, we all know that 83.6% of all statistics are pulled out of thin air.

This isn't a call to action, nor am I telling you to let your kids drink bath water! I am just throwing my theory out there and giving you my permission to eat that french fry you dropped on the car floor. Just don't let anyone see, especially the kids!

Curse You Ron Popeil!

I was watching the kids today and came downstairs to find my 5 year old daughter glued to the TV. I was surprised to find her watching an infomercial for the Ron Popeil knives.

You know what these adds are like, they keep adding more and more free stuff, then finally tell you if you call within the next 15 minutes, you'll get a second set for free. Usually the stuff they sell in these infomercials is garbage, but boy are they convincing. They also make a point to saw through cans, marble, and in this one, even a hammer. Argh! Argh!

I asked my daughter what she was watching and she replied, "Daddy, we need to buy these knives!" I asked what she needed two sets of knives for, and she yelled pointing at the TV, "Hurry, we only have 13 minutes left!"

I broke down laughing, but the fact that a 5 year old girl with absolutely no need for knives would be so sold, made me think. How often do US consumers get suckered into lousy purchases they don't need?

Anyway, I'm proud to say we still do not own a Ron Popeil product. But if you ever feel weak in the knees for something you see on TV, please do an Internet search first. You'll save yourself 3 easy payments of only $XX.XX. Here is just one of the many blog comments about this deal:

"Holy Macraal! I really believe the knives that are being used in a tiny little hut in New Guinea by a shoeless, shirtless 3rd world woman have better quality!!!! I have ALL these knives and nowhere to put them! Used them once and the handles became loose and flimsy. Don't get me started on the way they look after a cycle in the dishmachine; looks like they where dug out of the Titanic! I feel like somebody took my money watted it up into a RONCO solid flavor injector and shoved it right where the [you can guess the rest]!"

Survey Results are Served

The results are officially in on my first Manly Musings poll. Click here to read the post that spawned this poll.

From the results, one can conclude that either:

(A) People really do love their spouses and the thought of eating their better half is absolutely too much to bear.

OR

(B) North Americans are very picky eaters, and their spouse probably has too much trans fat to be a healthy meal anyway.

In any event, thank you for sharing your opinion. Please answer my latest poll on the right side of the page.

A Short Circuited Relationship

Recently I read an article about a scientist that claims by the year 2050 the first human to robot wedding will take place. How far have we sunk as a society that we would consider such garbage?

Look, I like technology and gadgets as much as the next guy, but to think of marrying something made in a factory in China, gives me chills. Besides, what kind of a warranty would I get? Those tech support guys in India think they have it tough when your Dell crashes, wait till it is someone's better half! I can just picture a typical support call...

"Hello, how am I helping you today?"

"Please help, my wife's slumped over in the casserole pan and there's sparks coming out her ears! Oh please help! 911 laughed and hung up on me!"

"Are you tring a reboot? Thank you and have a nice day."

"Wait, don't hang up! I've tried that!"

"Is she having her battery plugged in, also a very common mistake!"

"Yes, yes, of course it is! I said she had sparks coming out her ears!"

"Sir, I am trying to help. Do not be losing your temper. Are you liking strawberry ice-cream? It is my very favorite flavor!"

"What?!"

"I am also liking chocolate, but strawberry is my very best."

"What are you talking about?! My wife, she's dying!"

"OK, you will be needing to pay to ship her to China for a replacement. In about 3 months you will be getting a new unit."

OK, I'll stop there, you get the idea. Not a pretty picture.

I'm making light of all this, but marriage used to be pretty easy to define. It was a 3 way covenant or contract between husband, wife, and God. We need to be tolerant and loving of all people and the lifestyle they choose. But for the good of our country and our tech support friends in India, lets remember what the word marriage means!

Top 10 Things Men Know About Women

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They are supposed to be blank ;)

My Wife is Wonder Woman

I've always known my wife is Wonder Woman. Now I finally have proof. I did one of those celebrity recognition tools on her and this is what I got. I tried it on myself, but I don't think the tool recognizes Borg implants.