Top 10 Signs You May Be Constipated

I think this list needs no explanation.

1. You've finally had to abolish your "If it's yellow let it mellow..." rule.
2. You wonder how much fiber a Big Mac has.
3. You no longer snicker while reading the Bible verse Jerimiah 4:19 "My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart...."
4. You had a 42" LCD TV/DVD combo installed in your bathroom, and watched the whole Star Wars Trilogy in one sitting.
5. When the neighbor's dog does his business on your lawn, instead of chasing him away, you break down crying.
6. You dream you are on a theme park log ride and get jammed up before the big drop off.
7. When you walk you notice your toes are pointing out.
8. You buy your hemorrhoid cream at Costco.
9. You've actually eaten a prune based dessert.
10. You are still using toilet paper you bought for the Y2K scare.

I Ride Bikes...

Yesterday I stumbled onto a note I had written when my daughter was 3 years old. It was a conversation we had about a large scar I have, which I received during a bad mountain biking accident.

My daughter asked, "Daddy, how did you get that ouchy?" I told her the story of my bike accident making sure to embellish the good parts. I then asked, "Have you ever fallen off of your bike?" She thought for a second and replied, "Dad, I ride bikes! I don’t fall off them!" If only I had learned that lesson at such an early age.

Top 10 Ways Working for the Borg Differs From a Large Corporation

Those of you who work for large companies may appreciate this list. For those of you that don't know what or who the Borg are click here.

1. The Borg get the latest hardware and frequent upgrades.
2. The Borg never let anyone go.
3. The Borg train their drones.
4. As a member of the Borg Collective you never have to wonder what management is thinking.
5. The Borg have a sense of community.
6. The Borg adapt quickly.
7. The Borg have good, inexpensive health care.
8. The Borg Collective never has outages, unlike most corporate networks.
9. The Borg don't have to pay for their acquisitions.
10. The Borg are allowed to regenerate once a day.
    

Big Foot Wins Nobel Peace Prize

Al Gore just won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work to combat global warming and climate change. Have they lost their minds? Wasn't the couple Oscars he won bad enough? Al Gore is a hypocrite, he should try living the doctrine he preaches to lower and middle class American families. There are lots of articles citing this.

"Gore's mansion, [20-room, eight-bathroom] located in the posh Belle Meade area of Nashville, consumes more electricity every month than the average American household uses in an entire year, according to the Nashville Electric Service (NES). "

"In his documentary, the former Vice President calls on Americans to conserve energy by reducing electricity consumption at home. "

"The average household in America consumes 10,656 kilowatt-hours (kWh) per year, according to the Department of Energy. In 2006, Gore devoured nearly 221,000 kWh--more than 20 times the national average."

View the full article here.

Talk about An Inconvenient Truth! What would his answer be to this? I'm guessing: "I'm paying for an offset to my carbon footprint." My answer: "SO WHAT BIG FOOT!!!!" I don't believe the climatic indulgences he is paying for absolve him from the social responsibility to practice what he preaches.

Child Obesity

I read an article recently about childhood obesity in the US. The article pointed out that a generation ago over half of kids walked or rode their bikes to school and today less than 10%; in addition, it cited that less than 10% of elementary schools have daily gym. Are you kidding?

When I was a kid we had recess and daily gym. They also pushed us fairly hard in gym class; we did sit ups, push ups, long distance running, etc. I was really disturbed by the article and the direction our youth are headed. Our children's generation may be the first in recorded history to have a shorter average life span than their parents!

So how do we fix this problem? Glad you asked.... First I'd get rid of the title teacher and replace it with the title coach. The title coach has more authority and coaches have the ability to make lazy kids run laps when they screw up. "Forgot to do your homework did you? Give me 50 laps around the school!" "That is the dumbest answer I've ever heard! Drop and give me 100!"

This solution isn't the flowery, coddle your kids till they permanently live in your basement approach, but I think it would get results. Also, replace the school uniforms with sweat suits and we'd really be in business. I'd be willing to bet we'd see a marked improvement in grades as well!

40 Signs You May Be Canadian

I've lived in the US now for quite a while. But I compiled this list to show some of the differences between US and Canadian citizens. You may not understand them all, but if you do, you are probably Canadian.

1. You are constantly trying to plug in your car.
2. You own 1 pair of shorts.
3. You've seen the movie "Strange Brew".
4. Your underwear have a maple leaf on them.
5. You dream about hockey.
6. You pronounce words correctly.
7. You own an Anne Murray CD.
8. You've never had authentic Mexican food.
9. You think Montana's climate is too hot.
10. You can calculate the exchange rate in your head.
11. You visit the doctor when you scrape your knee. "Thank goodness for universal health care!"
12. You own a Don Cherry bobble head.
13. You order takeout from Tim Hortons.
14. You mow the lawn twice each summer, except for that summer back in 99.
15. You own a special belt to hold your pants up; because of the amount of spare change you carry.
16. Your pet dog hunts caribou.
17. You've built a snowman in July.
18. Your favorite radio station still plays "Life is a Highway" by Tom Cochrane.
19. Your school only gives you a 2 month summer vacation.
20. You think a tamale is a small red candy sold at movie theaters. "Man, are those things hot!"
21. Half of what is advertised on TV you are unable to find in stores.
22. You can use "eh" in a sentence.
23. You believe the beaver to be a noble creature and not a rodent.
24. You've met a real live Newfy and you are still telling your friends about it.
25. You were forced to learn French in school.
26. You think Cuba is a great vacation destination.
27. You can name all the celebrities that are Canadian.
28. You own a snow suit.
29. You are not offended by the term "Homo Milk" and know it is not milk from a gay cow.
30. Your favorite potato chip flavor is ketchup.
31. You know Polar Bears aren't really cuddly and how many kilograms the average one weighs.
    
32. You're confused when someone asks you what providence you are from.
33. You believe that Canadian Tire has its own currency.
34. You are confused why anyone would confuse ham with something called Canadian bacon.
35. You use the term Inuit and never say Eskimo.
36. You wish global warming would "hurry up already!"
37. You are still waiting for your new iPhone.
    
38. You think $12 for a happy meal is a good deal.
39. Your school held an assembly called "Frost Bite: The Silent Killer!"
40. Your parents are Asian.

Feel free to add any more you can think of in the comments.

Top Ten Low Budget Christmas Gifts

Being a guy I shouldn't even be mentioning the words "Christmas Shopping" yet. But as I am trying to reach out to my brothers around the world, I thought I'd put some ideas out there.

1. A bottle of Dog the Bounty Hunter's new perfume: "Captured".
2. An IOU for a hug.
   
3. A Salvation Army gift card.
4. A new car, in "Second Life".
5. A real stocking (just one).
6. A used bathroom reader or a one month magazine subscription.
7. One of your pets.
8. A Subway sandwich franchise.
   
9. A visit from two nicely dressed people with brief cases to discuss the pagan roots of the holiday and why we shouldn't give gifts.
10. A box of batteries with a note: "Toys not included".

Please add your ideas in the comments section.

Nerd Quiz

Take the following quiz to determine how nerdy you are. I don't know if I should be proud of my 98 score or be ashamed. It is a fun little quiz to take though.


Post your scores in the comments.

Top Ten Low Budget Halloween Costumes

Halloween is coming up soon! I don't know about you, but I'm tired of throwing a bunch of money at a costume I'll wear once for a couple hours. Please share your ideas for affordable costume ideas. I've tried to include what you'll need to pull off each idea.

1. A Nudist (One birthday suite--just add friends to go as a whole colony).
2. The Charmin Mummy (6 rolls of toilet paper--avoid restrooms).
3. The Invisible Man (Works best if you have no personality).
4. The Incredible Balding Man (One case of male pattern baldness).
5. Super Wedgie Man (One pair of resilient underwear--not for the faint of heart).
6. The Hemroid Avenger (One tube of Preparation H and a pained look).
7. The Headed Horseman (One good head on your sholders).
8. Baby Newyear (One of Grandma's Depends and a baby rattle).
9. Someone Caught Red Handed (One small can of red paint).
10. A Telemarketer (One phone headset and no soul--scariest costume, avoid small children and old people).

Snap Happy

Tonight I'm trying to get my 9 month old girl into her jammies and she starts doing her patented death roll. Those of you with Discovery Channel know what I'm talking about. The death roll is used by a crocodile to subdue its prey; it will spin and spin under water until its victim gives up.

How my 9 month old daughter perfected this move, is beyond me. But it seems that all my kids had that move at her age as well. But here is the point, why do they put all those snaps on baby clothes? Obviously the people who make baby clothes have never had a child of their own, or they'd know the joy involved in trying to fasten 20 plus snaps during a full death roll.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a snap hater (i.e. snapophobe). I believe there are good applications for snaps, like boat covers or as a fly safety mechanism. But have these people not got the memo about the zipper being invented or velcro for that matter? I have to admit that I was fantasizing about velcro during tonights episode. Maybe there is an untapped niche market there.

My Son: The Genius

A few days ago my wife thought it would be interesting to pose a question to our kids. She asked "If you were stuck on a deserted island and you could only have one item with you, what would it be?" A pretty famous question, and one I've changed my answer to many times. In my mind, I started scrolling through the inventory of items I'd consider. But before I could answer my son piped up and said "a boat!"

It was a shot to my pride to be out smarted by a 4 year old, but it isn't the first or the last time I'm sure. I think often adults underestimate the genius contained in a young mind. We can learn a lot by listening to a child.

My New Blog Home

I decided to shorten the name of my blog as I got tired of spel chacking the name each time I entered it. Unfortunately I lost some comments making the move, but I have appreciated all the feedback. So welcome to my new home "Manly Musings"! I hope you are a-mused by my thoughts!

Cannibalism and Christianity

I was reading a blog about a Christian couple that watched that movie "Alive" about a Uruguayan rugby team stranded by a plane crash in the Andes. Those who survived the crash are forced to eat the dead passengers in order to live.

This blog went on and on about the morality of such an act and whether it would be better to die or to eat another human being. What is my take? I'm glad you asked....

I don't have a clear cut answer for this important and age old question. However, I do know one thing.... I would bless my meal with more fervent zeal than our typical Sunday dinner.

Take a minute and answer my poll on the right side of the page. I'd like to know your opinions. Also leave your reasons for voting a certain way in the comments to this post.