Musical Beds

As parents, one rule my wife and I have tried to be firm on is, "No kids or babies allowed in the bed!" With 4 kids 5 and under, the rule is constantly tested during bed time. But as the kids get older, they also get smarter, and we are now in a routine, which my wife and I call "Musical Beds."

"What is Musical Beds?"

It isn't as much fun as it sounds. Basically the game starts once mom and dad have fallen soundly and deeply asleep. At this point the first child will somehow sense the window is now open, wake up, and crawl into bed with mom and dad. Once said child is situated in mom and dad's bed the next child will sense it is their turn and follow suite--and so on.

It is amazing how such little bodies can take up so much space. After I graduated from university, I purchased a king sized bed for more space, but it feels like a cot once you add 3 kids to it. Our 2 year old will lie flat on her back, arms and legs stretched out, and saw logs like a 300 pound trucker. It is actually quite amazing to watch--a dainty-little-blond-haired girl making a noise that shouldn't come out of her.

At this point in the game, one of the parents is usually forced out of the bed. My son likes to push me with his feet till I fall out of bed. Once out of bed, the parents will migrate to the kids' beds in the hopes of getting some much needed sleep. The other night I went and got in my son's bed, a couple hours later I feel him jump into the bed with me again and pull the same stunt! "I surrender!"

As an added element of danger, my kids are still at a stage where bed wetting can and does take place. This adds a "Russian Roulette" element to the game, which I don't think needs to be described in any more detail. But this gives the kids an unfair advantage in the game, and is one of the reasons I'll concede the bed in the middle of the night.

I miss the days when I could go to bed with my wife and wake up with the same person. If I do manage to stay in the bed, it is like waking up in some foreign hostel or college frat house after a wild party with bodies draped all over me. I've actually woken up and had a panic attack wondering, "WHERE AM I?!" The worst part is that I'm competitive, and I have yet to win a game of "Musical Beds!"

I want the game to stop, but I'm at a loss as to how to stop it. However, my male brain has come up with a few options.

1. Chain the kids to their beds
2. Lock the kids in their rooms
3. Purchase some shock collars and set up a perimeter
   
4. Three words, "Trained Guard Dog"
   

I'm pretty sure any one of these would guarantee me a visit from Social Services. So for now it is game on. But please let me know if you have any ideas.

Great Christmas Idea For Mom

Still looking for that perfect gift for the women in your life? Look no further!



Here is what could go wrong with the wrong gift. No pressure guys!

At the Buzzer

First off let me say that I am not a sexist. Women are wonderful, and have men beat in so many areas it would be impossible for me to even attempt to list here. But there is one area where men excel over women, hands down, and that is in the art of last-minute Christmas shopping.

Yesterday, I braved the crowds to try and get my shopping done. I take great pride in my ability to, just before the buzzer, pull off the win. Something I took from my days playing High School Basketball and other competitive sports. Most women get their Christmas shopping done months (often many, many, many months) in advance, but men know that it is the last few minutes, or even seconds that the game is either won or lost. That is why we wait for the perfect moment, and then come out with our guns blazing.

But this is where I could get in trouble with some of the females reading this post. OK, I'm just going to throw it out there--I think women should be banned from Christmas shopping after December 20th! There I said it! But let me share a few experiences from yesterday that demonstrate my point.

Have you ever noticed that the longest checkout lines seem to move the fastest? I'm not kidding; usually I am very careful to not look at just the length of the line but more importantly, the cashier, and even more importantly, the customers in front of me. Yesterday, I broke my rule and got in the short line behind a lady that was the slowest I've ever seen. I should have left the line, but when you are next, you know as soon as you leave you'll miss your turn. Well, that didn't happen. This lady asked for price checks, wanted to know if they had the item in a different color, she even wanted the cashier to call and see how much she had on her Visa gift card so she didn't go over on it. I'm sorry, but this is the type of shopping that must take place before December 20th, when you don't have 10 people behind you. I finally did bail on the line, started the waiting process over, and still beat her out of the store!

I then went to another store to take an item back. The customer service desk was very large with two sides and two lines on each side of it. I picked a line and waited patiently for my turn. Finally, the lady behind the counter asked, "How can I help you sir?" I began to explain my return, when a lady from the other line slapped her hand on the counter and yelled, "OH NO YOU DON'T!" I said, "Excuse me?" She then said, "I was here before you! It is my turn!" and pushed her way in front of me, which I gladly conceded. I could tell the Christmas stress was taking its toll on her.

I had a lot of time to ponder these events as I waited in yet another line. I looked at the line across from me and saw a man who seemed very calm, an attribute I've always admired in the great athletes like Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods. I thought to myself, "Now there is a man who is a veteran last-minute Christmas shopper!" I then surveyed his purchase, and had to smile. On the checkout counter was about a hundred pairs of different colored socks, a mop, and a broom. Would I buy my wife a mop and broom for Christmas? Not on your life! But he demonstrated the gutsy, split second decision making ability necessary to be a successful last-minute Christmas shopper. So his purchases didn’t diminish my respect for him.

Women are more thoughtful, they feel more, they care more that the gift is the perfect gift for that cherished someone, and this added stress can push many over the top. So let's get a bill on the table banning women from Christmas shopping after December 20th! Not for us men, but for our sisters, mothers, daughters, and wives, which we love and just want to be happy and healthy!

Top 10 Signs Your TV Remote is Too Big

Yesterday I was at the store looking for some Christmas gifts for my family. The women reading this post are thinking, "How could you be doing your Christmas shopping so late?" and the men are thinking, "Are you missing a Y chromosome? That is like 10 days before Christmas!"

Anyway, I found the best gift ever. So good in fact, I had to buy one for myself--I've been reasonably good this year. It is a ginormous (love that word) TV remote. In an age when everything is getting so small (i.e. cell phones, ipods, etc.), it is nice to hold something with some girth to it.

I miss the cell phones that were the length of your head and had an antenna about the same size as the one on your car. Now you see 6 foot 200 pound men carrying around cell phones that they must have stolen from their daughter's Barbie. Anyway, I love the new TV remote, but it led me to wonder how much remote is too much? Hence, the top signs your TV remote is too big:

1. Your remote takes two hands to operate.
2. It doubles as a TV dinner tray.
3. Everyone in your neighborhood has to watch what you watch.
4. One or more airplanes have crashed into your home.
   
5. If you dropped the remote, there is a greater than 50% chance you'd break your foot, someone else's foot, or your foot and someone else's foot.
   
6. You have a special insurance policy for just the remote.
   
7. The remote requires four D batteries.
8. It is larger than your new 42" Plasma Flat Panel TV.
9. In the middle of the night you hear what may be an intruder break into your home and you reach for the remote rather than the baseball bat.
10. The remote comes with a free pair of lead underwear and a sticker that warns, "Prolonged use of this remote control may cause cancer!"

Anyway, if you are looking for a Christmas gift that screams "I AM A MAN!", pick up the Colossal Remote from Living Solutions.

If The Shirt Fits, Wear It!

Recently, my wife gave our 5 year old daughter some old, duplicate pictures to scrapbook. She pretty much hacks them up from an adult perspective, but takes great pride in her creations. Yesterday she showed me one of her pages with some of our old dating pictures on it.

The first thing that caught my eye was a shirt I was wearing that brought back a lot of memories. The shirt was a bright yellow color with a big logo that said "Lilac Festival" and had purple lilacs on the front. I had to smile.

The ladies reading this post are thinking "why would he buy and wear such a monstrosity!" As a single male student my values were different back then. I remember looking through the racks of clothes at our local thrift store and finding that particular shirt. So why did I buy it? These were my thoughts (in order) at the time.

1. "Wow that is a really bright and catchy color shirt."
2. "Only 4 dollars!"
   
3. "The material feels really thick and durable."
   
4. "The size looks like it should fit me. Let me try it on over my current shirt."
   
5. "Wow that is an ugly logo and it says something about lilacs. What the heck is the Lilac Festival?"
   
6. "But boy is it comfortable and it feels well made."
   
7. "Remember, only 4 dollars--I'm sold!"

And so a crime against fashion was committed. Now that I am married, my thought pattern has forever been changed, and if I were to buy such an item, I'm sure my wife would swiftly donate it to Good Will.

If I were female, I wonder how my thoughts would have been different. Let me try and speculate.

1. "OK, now remember what I learned last week on What Not to Wear."
   
2. "That blouse looks like it may conform to the fashion rules I learned."
   
3. "Good, it has vertical and not horizontal stripes."
4. "Earth tones should bring out my eyes and compliment my complexion."
   
5. "Let me take it and the other 50 items I'm holding and try them on."
   
6. "Excuse me; Miss, what do you think of this blouse on me? Does it make my hips look fat?"
   
7. "I wish I had brought so and so with me, she always looks so cute in the outfits she picks out."
   
8. "200 dollars, I wonder if I'm maxed out on the credit card yet?"
9. "Such a small price to pay to look and feel good about myself."
10. "I really deserve this."
11. "Maxed out? How could that be? Here, try this card, it should be good."

I'm just joking around. But the truth is men and women do think differently. So don't judge single guys too harshly based on their wardrobe. If you talked to them, you'd find they had a logical reason for purchasing each item in their ensemble.