Fish in a Barrel

It is 5:00AM, too early to wake up, but my bladder can no longer wait. I stumble into the bathroom, and realize I can’t find my glasses. At 6’4” and near sighted, I make the decision to sit down to avoid any potential misfires. Being married for 9 years has taught me two things (1) always put the seat down and (2) if you sprinkle when you tinkle be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.

As I sit down I think to myself, does the seat usually feel this warm at 5:00AM? Follow-up question--does the seat usually feel warm and wet? How did this happen?!

It turns out I have a five year-old son who, for some reason, likes to use my bathroom in the morning. I also now understand why sisters, mothers, and wives all over the world get so upset over a urine soaked toilet. I’ve honestly never experienced that particular horror in my life before, and I’m not looking forward to experiencing it ever again.

So here is the point of this blog. When you are 6’4” I think the occasional misfire is excusable even understandable, but how does a kid who doesn’t even stand 4 feet miss the toilet consistently?! I mean shouldn’t it be like shooting fish in a barrel?

Well, the other night I found out what is going on. A phenomenon I now refer to as sleep peeing. I heard some noise in the bathroom and went to investigate. To my horror, I found Reid standing there with his pants down, his eyes closed, his hands at his side, and his fire hose (best way I can describe it) flapping around hitting everything. I ran into the line of fire, in hind sight a stupid thing to do, and tried to get "a hold" on the situation, but the damage was done. Ah, the joys of parenthood!

Is it wrong for me to wish my son would just wet the bed?! One day we’ll look back on this and laugh, but if nothing else I have greater empathy for all the women of the world. I also now look twice and sit once.