Free Drug Week

Last week Reid and Lynlee's school had a week to educate the kids about the dangers of drugs--Drug Free Week. However, I had a shock when Lynlee announced to me on Monday that it was "Free Drug Week" at school. Needless to say I offered to drive them to school that week.

YouTube Twitter and Facebook

I was watching the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien the other night. They were doing their "In the Year 2000" skit, but have rampped it up to "In the Year 3000". Anyway, the last joke was pretty funny.

"In the year 3000... YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge to create one super time wasting website called You Twit Face!"

Too funny!

You can watch it on Hulu.com for the time being.

Pracitcal Joke 2009

Last year my boss, Joseph, went to Asia for 3 weeks and we thought it would be funny to convert his office into a bathroom here is the link.

This year we decided to go with a backyard theme. Robert was able to procure some left over turf from some work being done on the Lavell Edwards Stadium. With the scrap we were able to sod his whole office. We then outfitted the office with lawn chairs, a barbecue, toys, a pool filled with sand and water. Oh, and a real live turtle for the pool.

We also bought garden hats for the advisement office and dean's office who came down when he arrived. It was a lot of fun. But the hardest part is figuring out what to do next year. It is amazing how it just seems to fall into place though.








Dean Cornia came down to help us out. He has a good sense of humor.

Manly Campout

This past Friday our church held a campout for all fathers and sons. Reid, who is five, was really excited to go.

It has been awhile since Reid has gone camping. When Reid was three we took him on a camping trip with some friends, but the heat, cracking, and popping of the campfire frightened him and we finally found him locked in the car and hiding--poor little guy!

How times have changed! Apparently between the ages of three and five, Reid's Y chromosome has kicked in with a vengeance and he is as much of a pyromaniac as the other boys his age. Most of the boys at the campout were around Reid's age, between four and eight years old. The big excitement of the night was watching these boys try to roast marshmallows over the campfire to make s’mores.

The boys all had sticks or metal skewers and it was both amazing and terrifying to watch this young tribe at work. Some of the boys just enjoyed watching the marshmallows and whatever else they could put in the fire burn. Others would swing their skewers around like they were trying out for the high school fencing team. I almost ended up on the business end of a few skewers trying to add wood to the fire. I'm glad no one came home with an eye patch! I'm also proud to report that the only injury sustained was a small burn blister on one of the boy's hand. Nice work dads!

It is for this reason that mother's aren't invited to these types of campouts. I can't think of any mother that could let their son play with red hot skewers in front of a raging fire, let their son eat his weight in molten marshmallow and at the same time carry on a meaningful conversation about the NBA playoffs and why coach so and so is an idiot! Nope, this is where dads excel!

I don't know how many s’mores Reid ate, but if Guinness had been there recording the event he may have been published. He was covered in sticky melted marshmallow, on his hands, face, and shirt, everywhere! Reid then decided to go run and play with his friends in the dark. I heard him trip over a root and found him lying in the dirt. I picked up Reid; at least I thought it was Reid, who was covered with dirt, wood chips, bark, and leaves which had chemically bonded with the marshmallow. Lucky for me Rochelle had packed a box of baby wipes, it only took about 20 wipes to find my son under the black mess.

Reid had a great time on the campout and wants to go again next weekend. He told me "Dad, sometimes it is just nice to get away from the girls!" We are a little outnumbered in our home, so it was nice to have some male bonding time. I also think he is at home in the woods, where we don't have to worry about climbing on things, throwing blunt objects, or peeing in a toilet.

Zion National Park

A picture says a thousand words. We went to Zion National Park in southern Utah this weekend. Amazing!



I used some freeware to stitch four pictures together. Then we had some fun with the kids pictures.



The views in the park were spectacular. I'd highly recommend going if you haven't been.

Fish in a Barrel

It is 5:00AM, too early to wake up, but my bladder can no longer wait. I stumble into the bathroom, and realize I can’t find my glasses. At 6’4” and near sighted, I make the decision to sit down to avoid any potential misfires. Being married for 9 years has taught me two things (1) always put the seat down and (2) if you sprinkle when you tinkle be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.

As I sit down I think to myself, does the seat usually feel this warm at 5:00AM? Follow-up question--does the seat usually feel warm and wet? How did this happen?!

It turns out I have a five year-old son who, for some reason, likes to use my bathroom in the morning. I also now understand why sisters, mothers, and wives all over the world get so upset over a urine soaked toilet. I’ve honestly never experienced that particular horror in my life before, and I’m not looking forward to experiencing it ever again.

So here is the point of this blog. When you are 6’4” I think the occasional misfire is excusable even understandable, but how does a kid who doesn’t even stand 4 feet miss the toilet consistently?! I mean shouldn’t it be like shooting fish in a barrel?

Well, the other night I found out what is going on. A phenomenon I now refer to as sleep peeing. I heard some noise in the bathroom and went to investigate. To my horror, I found Reid standing there with his pants down, his eyes closed, his hands at his side, and his fire hose (best way I can describe it) flapping around hitting everything. I ran into the line of fire, in hind sight a stupid thing to do, and tried to get "a hold" on the situation, but the damage was done. Ah, the joys of parenthood!

Is it wrong for me to wish my son would just wet the bed?! One day we’ll look back on this and laugh, but if nothing else I have greater empathy for all the women of the world. I also now look twice and sit once.

Daddy Daughter Dance

This past Friday our church held a very cool event for the girls four to twelve years old and their fathers. They put on a Daddy Daughter Dance with a dinner, corsages, music, and of course a glass disco ball. It was a lot of fun, despite trying to keep both my dates, Sadie (4) and Lynlee (6), happy.

For the first dance of the night they played "Butterfly Kisses"--that one always gets me. I was feeling pretty good about myself, because for the first time in my life, I had two girls cutting in and fighting over me on the dance floor. For the next song, I think they played something by Milley Cyrus. As soon as the song changed all the girls turned, left their fathers, ran into the middle of the floor, and started dancing and singing with each other.

This coordinated act by these small females gave me flashbacks to my youth. I remember going to the church sponsored youth dances and watching packs of girls dancing with each other. This, of course, left me and a host of other awkward young men on the outskirts of the dance floor doing our best to act cool.

As I looked around at the other fathers, it was like being transported back in time. Why is it that girls will instinctively dance with each other? I had always thought this was learned behavior, but for most of these girls this was their first formal dance. Could you imagine a group of boys dancing together in a similar situation? I'd imagine everyone would stop in their tracks if such an event took place--I think these boys would have some serious explaining to do at school the next day.

*****

“Hey Leroy!”

“What up?”

“You were sure light on your feet last night! I had no idea you were such a graceful dancer! Do you think you could teach me some of those moves?”

“Sure, boyfriend! By the way, do these dancing tights make my butt look fat? …”

*****

Doesn’t really flow does it?

Anyway, my dates did circle back eventually. OK, I offered to throw in some tosses and spins if they'd come back and dance with me. I'm not proud of the bribery, but it was a step in the right direction from my days as an awkward youth.

At the end of the night I tried to lock up some commitments for high school prom. Lynlee wasn't sold on the idea but Sadie gave me the knod. They grow up so fast, and it was awesome to see so many happy girls to be on a date with their dad, I'm going to miss these days!

TV Trasher

A couple weeks ago our five year old, Reid, trashed our downstairs TV. It has taken several weeks for me to find the situation humorous enough to write about. Let me preface this story with some facts.

Our TV was not a LCD that can be knocked over if a child runs past it too fast. The TV was a Sony Wega 32" display. The TV weighs 176 pounds! I made sure to bolt the entertainment center to the wall studs, but the TV I didn't worry about, did I mention it weighs 176 pounds?!! Also, let me preface the story by saying I feel very lucky to have lost only a TV and not a five year-old boy.

Like most men I made sure to get a TV that fits perfectly in the entertainment center. There is nothing worse than a TV with five or six inches around it. Unfortunately, there was enough space for our four year-old Sadie to drop the remote behind the TV. We all knew the remote was behind the TV, but seeing that the TV was 176 pounds, I put off retrieving the remote till I could get some help. It wasn't going anywhere.

Well, this turned out to be a huge mistake. Reid and his best friend were playing video games and decided to watch a movie. I guess at some point during this process they felt that pushing the buttons on the player and TV was too demeaning. Reid, then said "I've got a plan!" Reid and his friend each grabbed a side of the TV. The plan was to lower the 176 pound TV to the ground so they could retrieve the remote. Then they would let Dad put it back when he got home from work. As a couple Spider Men in training (that is what they were going to watch), this would be the perfect test of their abilities.

So they counted off "one, two, threeeee!" and the two of them managed to pull the TV to the point where it tipped out of the entertainment center and smashed to the ground. They both ran for it. The force of the TV falling yanked the cable out of the TV causing the wires to touch and blow the circuit breakers in the basement and knocked out all the lights. Reid's friend quickly excused himself and headed for home--smart kid.

My wife called me on my way home from work. I had to investigate with a flashlight, but it wasn't hard to put the pieces together.

I felt very lucky that no one was hurt. Rochelle and I watched the news that night and a child died the same day doing the exact same thing. The child pulled a 27" CRT TV over and it fell on him, he died at the hospital. I'm convinced Reid has an army of guardian angels following him at all times. I guess it is time to reevaluate what needs to be bolted down.

Cuddle Crazy

Tonight I told the kids that the first one to get their pajamas on, brush their teeth, and get into bed would get a special cuddle from their daddy. I know that doesn't sound like a great incentive, but our little Sadie, who is three, rushed to get ready for bed.

I was feeling pretty good about myself that she was so modivated to get a cuddle from her dad. I asked her, "So you really like to cuddle with your dad don't you?" She replied, "No, I just like to cuddle people!" I'm not feeling so special right now, and I'm trying to figure out how I can keep her from dating till she is thirty or so.

Top Ten Poor Career Choices for the Millennium

The other day I was talking with some friends about the Millennium. Somehow we got on the topic of which careers would not be needed, when it comes. I thought our list was a pretty good start. Can you think of any more?

1. Butcher


2. Lawyer


3. Adult Movie Star


4. Doctor


5. Grave Digger


6. False Prophet


7. Rabbi


8. Police Officer


9. President/King/Military Commander


10. Lion Tamer

P.S. One of my resolutions is to blog more in the new year. I'll try to do better than I have the past couple months.