Start Clapping!

The other night I was teaching our 3 year old little girl how to shoot hoops on our Fisher Price basketball hoop. I grew up playing a lot of basketball and must admit that I am a huge fan of the sport. I'm really hoping our kids will take an interest in playing basketball as well.

In an effort to cultivate this interest, I was showing her how to shoot the ball. I also, strategically, made all kinds of noise and applause every time she made a basket--hoping she'd find this encouraging. This went on for probably about 30 minutes until I got distracted with one of the other kids and didn't see her make a basket.

She walked up to me grabbed my face and turned it towards her. Then she put both hands on her hips, scrunched up her face, and said in a disgruntled voice, "START CLAPPING!" It was one of those moments you had to be there to really appreciate. Somehow I think whatever activities or hobbies she chooses to do, she won't have a problem demanding the attention she deserves.

My 2008 Ballot Proposal

Budget Cuts

Our country is in a terrible mess, which has led a larger than average percentage of the nation to be glued to the 2008 presidential election. I think it is great that so many people are watching the election and looking to make change, but we have another problem on the horizon--the problem of uninformed or, for the lack of a politically correct term, dumb voters.

I am extremely grateful to live in a free country, even if it has become less such over the past decade. I also cherish the fact that we live in a democracy, because history and common sense informs us that the voice of the people will usually pick the best candidate. I also think it was essential that the right to vote was afforded to all people regardless of race, gender, or economic status. In the early days of the country that right was only afforded to the land owners and wealthy elite, because it was viewed that they were in the best position to make such decisions for the common good. Yeah right!

So where am I going with this? We have the responsibility as citizens to make informed decisions. Not to vote for a candidate just because they tell us what we want to hear or make us feel warm and fuzzy inside. We shouldn't vote or not vote for a candidate because they are a certain color, religion, or gender. We should judge each candidate by not only their words but more importantly their track record, their character, and the merits of their campaign. While I think affording all citizens the right to vote is critical, I wish there were some way to weed out the bad apples.

So here is my simple proposal for the 2008 ballot. The first part of the ballot is a 10 question quiz asking basic economic, civic, and political questions that any voter should know. Once the ballot is completed and turned in, the electronic counter first grades the 10 question quiz. If the voter passes (say a score of 50% or more), their vote is added to the totals, but if they fail the ballet is sent to a shredder where it belongs. I know it sounds a little harsh, but would it be such a bad thing to force voters to study a little before they cast their ballot?

The voter doesn't even need to know if they passed or not. Although, it would be funny to print off a little score sheet with a little Uncle Sam giving them the thumbs up or down. So in submitting my proposal, I thought I'd write a sample quiz for the 2008 ballot. Please let me know if you have any good questions to add.

Sample Ballot Quiz (true or false):

1. Social Security is a great program and the government should be able to force how I invest my money for retirement because I'm not responsible enough.
   
2. Socialized Health Care is good because it is fun to wait 6 months to see a doctor or to have everyone with a sneeze or sniffle in the emergency room ahead of me.
3. I can't wait for our currency to change to the Amero!
4. I'd like my government to tag me with a RFID chip like a typical family pet because that would solve the immigration problem the government doesn't want to fix.
   
5. The Federal Reserve, which controls the nation's money supply, is under the umbrella of the government and is not a privately owned corporation.
6. The war in Iraq is about freeing an oppressed people and defending our country against the very people that caused the attack on September 11, 2001.
7. The National Debt is good because it means I get lots of stuff without paying for it.
8. I would use the word "FAIR" to describe our trade with China.
9. I'd gladly give up my freedom and liberties as a citizen to have the government tell me I'm a little bit safer.
10. The best way to fix a problem is through government regulation.
    

I'm A Keeper

Teething is not fun! I'm not speaking from some deep repressed memory I have of my own experience cutting teeth, but from my experience as a father. Recently our little baby girl has been working on a few new top teeth, and it has been a painful experience for everyone involved. We have a shirt that seems to lighten the mood a bit. It seems to fit the kids right when they are at this teething stage. The shirt simply says, "I'M A KEEPER". I appreciate my wife using the shirt, because when I see it, I know to tread lightly. I also appreciate the fact that you can't help but smile when you see a little kid in this shirt. The last picture shows two brand new pearly whites! Whew!

I'm Hungry!

Yesterday I decided to pick up some lunch for the whole family. My oldest daughter, who is 5, insisted on accompanying me. I let her come along, knowing full well what would happen. As soon as the food was in the car, the whining began.

"Daddy, Daddy! I'm soooooo hungry! Can I have a french fry? Please, oh please!"

"No sweet heart, you have to wait till we get home."

"But I'm so hungry; can't I just have one fry?"

This conversation continued for several minutes back and forth, until I pulled out one of the oldest parent lines related to this topic. It is one of those lines you inherit from your parents, but swear you will never use.

"You don't even know what it is to be hungry! There are people, poor people, who are dying and don't have enough food! So don't cry and tell me you're hungry, because you don't know what that even means!"

There was a pause for a couple seconds. "Finally," I thought to myself. Then my daughter spoke up.

"Dad, those people are starving! I'm just very hungry, and I do know what that means!"

I can see my argument winning days are quickly coming to an end.

The Kid Eliminator

I hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Years!

This year I tried to put a lot of thought into the presents I purchased for my wife. I really appreciate her and all she does for our family. As one of her stocking stuffers I purchased a pair of commercial-grade ear muffs (ear protection) that will block noise up to 21 dB. On the package I wrote "The Kid Eliminator".

I thought with the ear protection, when I watch the kids, my wife could take a nap, bath, or read a book and it would be like having no kids. Don't get me wrong we both love our kids very much, but sometimes moms and dads need a break from the screaming, crying, nagging, whining, and general horseplay. At this point, some of you are probably thinking, "What a great idea! I need to get a pair of those!" It is funny how kids can take a good idea and turn it upside down on you.

So what has happened? The kids have found the ear muffs and they are a favorite toy now. One of our kids will put the ear muffs on and they will all start jumping on the bed and scream at the top of the lungs. This is, of course, hilarious to them as the one wearing the protection can barely hear the screaming. Then they will switch and repeat the whole exercise. This has increased their noise levels dramatically and turned "The Kid Eliminator" into "The Kid Amplifier". Oh well, if you can't beat them, join them!

Christmas Poll Results

This was a pretty lame survey. I promise I'll try and do better in the future. Based on the results, you may want to check the expiry dates on some of your perishable gifts this year, before digging in!

Musical Beds

As parents, one rule my wife and I have tried to be firm on is, "No kids or babies allowed in the bed!" With 4 kids 5 and under, the rule is constantly tested during bed time. But as the kids get older, they also get smarter, and we are now in a routine, which my wife and I call "Musical Beds."

"What is Musical Beds?"

It isn't as much fun as it sounds. Basically the game starts once mom and dad have fallen soundly and deeply asleep. At this point the first child will somehow sense the window is now open, wake up, and crawl into bed with mom and dad. Once said child is situated in mom and dad's bed the next child will sense it is their turn and follow suite--and so on.

It is amazing how such little bodies can take up so much space. After I graduated from university, I purchased a king sized bed for more space, but it feels like a cot once you add 3 kids to it. Our 2 year old will lie flat on her back, arms and legs stretched out, and saw logs like a 300 pound trucker. It is actually quite amazing to watch--a dainty-little-blond-haired girl making a noise that shouldn't come out of her.

At this point in the game, one of the parents is usually forced out of the bed. My son likes to push me with his feet till I fall out of bed. Once out of bed, the parents will migrate to the kids' beds in the hopes of getting some much needed sleep. The other night I went and got in my son's bed, a couple hours later I feel him jump into the bed with me again and pull the same stunt! "I surrender!"

As an added element of danger, my kids are still at a stage where bed wetting can and does take place. This adds a "Russian Roulette" element to the game, which I don't think needs to be described in any more detail. But this gives the kids an unfair advantage in the game, and is one of the reasons I'll concede the bed in the middle of the night.

I miss the days when I could go to bed with my wife and wake up with the same person. If I do manage to stay in the bed, it is like waking up in some foreign hostel or college frat house after a wild party with bodies draped all over me. I've actually woken up and had a panic attack wondering, "WHERE AM I?!" The worst part is that I'm competitive, and I have yet to win a game of "Musical Beds!"

I want the game to stop, but I'm at a loss as to how to stop it. However, my male brain has come up with a few options.

1. Chain the kids to their beds
2. Lock the kids in their rooms
3. Purchase some shock collars and set up a perimeter
   
4. Three words, "Trained Guard Dog"
   

I'm pretty sure any one of these would guarantee me a visit from Social Services. So for now it is game on. But please let me know if you have any ideas.

Great Christmas Idea For Mom

Still looking for that perfect gift for the women in your life? Look no further!



Here is what could go wrong with the wrong gift. No pressure guys!

At the Buzzer

First off let me say that I am not a sexist. Women are wonderful, and have men beat in so many areas it would be impossible for me to even attempt to list here. But there is one area where men excel over women, hands down, and that is in the art of last-minute Christmas shopping.

Yesterday, I braved the crowds to try and get my shopping done. I take great pride in my ability to, just before the buzzer, pull off the win. Something I took from my days playing High School Basketball and other competitive sports. Most women get their Christmas shopping done months (often many, many, many months) in advance, but men know that it is the last few minutes, or even seconds that the game is either won or lost. That is why we wait for the perfect moment, and then come out with our guns blazing.

But this is where I could get in trouble with some of the females reading this post. OK, I'm just going to throw it out there--I think women should be banned from Christmas shopping after December 20th! There I said it! But let me share a few experiences from yesterday that demonstrate my point.

Have you ever noticed that the longest checkout lines seem to move the fastest? I'm not kidding; usually I am very careful to not look at just the length of the line but more importantly, the cashier, and even more importantly, the customers in front of me. Yesterday, I broke my rule and got in the short line behind a lady that was the slowest I've ever seen. I should have left the line, but when you are next, you know as soon as you leave you'll miss your turn. Well, that didn't happen. This lady asked for price checks, wanted to know if they had the item in a different color, she even wanted the cashier to call and see how much she had on her Visa gift card so she didn't go over on it. I'm sorry, but this is the type of shopping that must take place before December 20th, when you don't have 10 people behind you. I finally did bail on the line, started the waiting process over, and still beat her out of the store!

I then went to another store to take an item back. The customer service desk was very large with two sides and two lines on each side of it. I picked a line and waited patiently for my turn. Finally, the lady behind the counter asked, "How can I help you sir?" I began to explain my return, when a lady from the other line slapped her hand on the counter and yelled, "OH NO YOU DON'T!" I said, "Excuse me?" She then said, "I was here before you! It is my turn!" and pushed her way in front of me, which I gladly conceded. I could tell the Christmas stress was taking its toll on her.

I had a lot of time to ponder these events as I waited in yet another line. I looked at the line across from me and saw a man who seemed very calm, an attribute I've always admired in the great athletes like Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods. I thought to myself, "Now there is a man who is a veteran last-minute Christmas shopper!" I then surveyed his purchase, and had to smile. On the checkout counter was about a hundred pairs of different colored socks, a mop, and a broom. Would I buy my wife a mop and broom for Christmas? Not on your life! But he demonstrated the gutsy, split second decision making ability necessary to be a successful last-minute Christmas shopper. So his purchases didn’t diminish my respect for him.

Women are more thoughtful, they feel more, they care more that the gift is the perfect gift for that cherished someone, and this added stress can push many over the top. So let's get a bill on the table banning women from Christmas shopping after December 20th! Not for us men, but for our sisters, mothers, daughters, and wives, which we love and just want to be happy and healthy!

Top 10 Signs Your TV Remote is Too Big

Yesterday I was at the store looking for some Christmas gifts for my family. The women reading this post are thinking, "How could you be doing your Christmas shopping so late?" and the men are thinking, "Are you missing a Y chromosome? That is like 10 days before Christmas!"

Anyway, I found the best gift ever. So good in fact, I had to buy one for myself--I've been reasonably good this year. It is a ginormous (love that word) TV remote. In an age when everything is getting so small (i.e. cell phones, ipods, etc.), it is nice to hold something with some girth to it.

I miss the cell phones that were the length of your head and had an antenna about the same size as the one on your car. Now you see 6 foot 200 pound men carrying around cell phones that they must have stolen from their daughter's Barbie. Anyway, I love the new TV remote, but it led me to wonder how much remote is too much? Hence, the top signs your TV remote is too big:

1. Your remote takes two hands to operate.
2. It doubles as a TV dinner tray.
3. Everyone in your neighborhood has to watch what you watch.
4. One or more airplanes have crashed into your home.
   
5. If you dropped the remote, there is a greater than 50% chance you'd break your foot, someone else's foot, or your foot and someone else's foot.
   
6. You have a special insurance policy for just the remote.
   
7. The remote requires four D batteries.
8. It is larger than your new 42" Plasma Flat Panel TV.
9. In the middle of the night you hear what may be an intruder break into your home and you reach for the remote rather than the baseball bat.
10. The remote comes with a free pair of lead underwear and a sticker that warns, "Prolonged use of this remote control may cause cancer!"

Anyway, if you are looking for a Christmas gift that screams "I AM A MAN!", pick up the Colossal Remote from Living Solutions.

If The Shirt Fits, Wear It!

Recently, my wife gave our 5 year old daughter some old, duplicate pictures to scrapbook. She pretty much hacks them up from an adult perspective, but takes great pride in her creations. Yesterday she showed me one of her pages with some of our old dating pictures on it.

The first thing that caught my eye was a shirt I was wearing that brought back a lot of memories. The shirt was a bright yellow color with a big logo that said "Lilac Festival" and had purple lilacs on the front. I had to smile.

The ladies reading this post are thinking "why would he buy and wear such a monstrosity!" As a single male student my values were different back then. I remember looking through the racks of clothes at our local thrift store and finding that particular shirt. So why did I buy it? These were my thoughts (in order) at the time.

1. "Wow that is a really bright and catchy color shirt."
2. "Only 4 dollars!"
   
3. "The material feels really thick and durable."
   
4. "The size looks like it should fit me. Let me try it on over my current shirt."
   
5. "Wow that is an ugly logo and it says something about lilacs. What the heck is the Lilac Festival?"
   
6. "But boy is it comfortable and it feels well made."
   
7. "Remember, only 4 dollars--I'm sold!"

And so a crime against fashion was committed. Now that I am married, my thought pattern has forever been changed, and if I were to buy such an item, I'm sure my wife would swiftly donate it to Good Will.

If I were female, I wonder how my thoughts would have been different. Let me try and speculate.

1. "OK, now remember what I learned last week on What Not to Wear."
   
2. "That blouse looks like it may conform to the fashion rules I learned."
   
3. "Good, it has vertical and not horizontal stripes."
4. "Earth tones should bring out my eyes and compliment my complexion."
   
5. "Let me take it and the other 50 items I'm holding and try them on."
   
6. "Excuse me; Miss, what do you think of this blouse on me? Does it make my hips look fat?"
   
7. "I wish I had brought so and so with me, she always looks so cute in the outfits she picks out."
   
8. "200 dollars, I wonder if I'm maxed out on the credit card yet?"
9. "Such a small price to pay to look and feel good about myself."
10. "I really deserve this."
11. "Maxed out? How could that be? Here, try this card, it should be good."

I'm just joking around. But the truth is men and women do think differently. So don't judge single guys too harshly based on their wardrobe. If you talked to them, you'd find they had a logical reason for purchasing each item in their ensemble.

The Sweet Spot

All you have to do is watch about 5 minutes of AFV (America's Funniest Home Videos) to realize that kids have a gift for locating and attacking a certain region of the male anatomy, which I will furthermore refer to as the sweet spot.

The other night I was wrestling with the kids on the floor and made the rookie mistake of laying on my back (what was I thinking?!) and bear hugging my 2 year old daughter. This gave my 4 year old son the window he needed to land a flying headbutt right in the sweet spot. I understand accidents happen, we are all human, but my kids (all of them) connect at a frequency that I can no longer excuse to mere coincidence or chance.

Probably the most embarrassing episode was at the amusement park. I was waiting in line with the kids for a ride. My son wasn't too thrilled with the wait and started to leave the line. I told him to come back and in his frustration he ran at me and connected with his fist. I heard about 20 people groan "OOOOH! OOOOUCH! AAAAH!" in sympathy as I jack knifed to my knees. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to get us to the front of the line.

Anyway, I'm thinking of starting a brand of protective equipment for fathers. We have protection for hockey, baseball, and other sports, why not being a father? I'd love to see the kids little faces when their head or fist connected with a piece of American forged steel! Stay tuned for where to buy your made in the USA "Blockstrap" (patent pending--all rights reserved).

Big Eyes

It has become kind of a tradition in our family that Friday is our pizza/movie night. The kids look forward to this each week and it is a lot of fun. This past Friday we rented Shrek the Third. The movie was pretty good, the kids love the character Puss in Boots and his big sad eyes.

Tonight my five year old daughter wanted to be carried upstairs to bed, but I had my hands full. I told her I had to take the baby upstairs and she'd have to walk. She then put her hands under her chin and tried to mimic the sad face Puss in Boots does in the movie. It was pretty funny, but you had to be there to really appreciate her acting chops.

Top Ten Signs It's Time Lose Weight

I'm coming to the realization that I need to lose some extra baggage. Today I bought my son a whoopie cushion, he is only 4 so that kind of thing is hilarious to him. Well, I sat on it and instead of the embarrassing noise it made a loud pop. I guess the force of me sitting on it was too much and it exploded. In any event, that is what inspired this list.

1. It's been over a year without dusting off "Sweatin to the Oldies" and slapping it in the VCR.
2. You've actually used the phrase, "So that's where I put that" in relation to a lost item and your belly button.
3. Your signature Halloween costume is Jabba the Hutt but you can no longer find a willing Princess Leia.
   
4. You've eaten or seriously contemplated eating food from the garbage, "What a waste!"
   
5. The remote control batteries died and you were forced to watch the same channel for two weeks, "I could get up if I wanted to, but I like The Weather Channel!"
   
6. You get misty eyed during Fat Albert reruns.
7. You've bitten the finger of a friend or family member who has tried to eat food off your plate.
8. You own the Platinum Member Country Buffet credit card.
9. Someone gave you a fruit cake for Christmas and you ate it.
10. When asked the question, "Which came first the chicken or the egg?" all you can think of is which you'd eat first.

Kid Germs

Yesterday I was giving my kids their bath. We have four little ones, which fills up the tub nicely. It works out good, because I only need to use about 2 cups of water to give them their nightly bath. I guess you could say I'm doing my part to protect the environment or as the hip among us would say, "Go Green!"

Anyway, I grabbed a towel to dry them off only to find my son drinking the bath water. In my early days of parenthood this would have triggered panic, denial, or both. However, I was able to defuse the situation without the shock and awe of my earlier days. Don't get me wrong, I'm still grossed out by it, but I stay a little cooler now. So I gave him the lecture about drinking bath water (AGAIN!) and put the kids to bed.

It got me thinking about germs though. As a society we are dead set on the eradication of all microbes and germs. Soooo many companies use this to guilt parents into buying disinfectant wipes, and disinfectant hand sanitizer, and disinfectant everything. When the door to door vacuum salesmen come to your door, they try to make you feel guilty for not buying their product for your children and their health.

Look, I believe we should keep our homes clean, bathe, etc. But sometimes I wonder if all these disinfectants do more harm than good. Maybe it is just me, but the families I know that disinfect the most also seem to get sick the most. I'm starting to wonder if my kids and David Hasselhoff know something I don't.

Perhaps by drinking a little bath water, eating a few items off the floor, and chewing on other kids' toys they are, in effect, vaccinating themselves--building up an immunity to the world around them. I have no studies to back this theory up, I thought about making some data up like the news media would, but I won't stoop to their level. Besides, we all know that 83.6% of all statistics are pulled out of thin air.

This isn't a call to action, nor am I telling you to let your kids drink bath water! I am just throwing my theory out there and giving you my permission to eat that french fry you dropped on the car floor. Just don't let anyone see, especially the kids!

Curse You Ron Popeil!

I was watching the kids today and came downstairs to find my 5 year old daughter glued to the TV. I was surprised to find her watching an infomercial for the Ron Popeil knives.

You know what these adds are like, they keep adding more and more free stuff, then finally tell you if you call within the next 15 minutes, you'll get a second set for free. Usually the stuff they sell in these infomercials is garbage, but boy are they convincing. They also make a point to saw through cans, marble, and in this one, even a hammer. Argh! Argh!

I asked my daughter what she was watching and she replied, "Daddy, we need to buy these knives!" I asked what she needed two sets of knives for, and she yelled pointing at the TV, "Hurry, we only have 13 minutes left!"

I broke down laughing, but the fact that a 5 year old girl with absolutely no need for knives would be so sold, made me think. How often do US consumers get suckered into lousy purchases they don't need?

Anyway, I'm proud to say we still do not own a Ron Popeil product. But if you ever feel weak in the knees for something you see on TV, please do an Internet search first. You'll save yourself 3 easy payments of only $XX.XX. Here is just one of the many blog comments about this deal:

"Holy Macraal! I really believe the knives that are being used in a tiny little hut in New Guinea by a shoeless, shirtless 3rd world woman have better quality!!!! I have ALL these knives and nowhere to put them! Used them once and the handles became loose and flimsy. Don't get me started on the way they look after a cycle in the dishmachine; looks like they where dug out of the Titanic! I feel like somebody took my money watted it up into a RONCO solid flavor injector and shoved it right where the [you can guess the rest]!"

Survey Results are Served

The results are officially in on my first Manly Musings poll. Click here to read the post that spawned this poll.

From the results, one can conclude that either:

(A) People really do love their spouses and the thought of eating their better half is absolutely too much to bear.

OR

(B) North Americans are very picky eaters, and their spouse probably has too much trans fat to be a healthy meal anyway.

In any event, thank you for sharing your opinion. Please answer my latest poll on the right side of the page.

A Short Circuited Relationship

Recently I read an article about a scientist that claims by the year 2050 the first human to robot wedding will take place. How far have we sunk as a society that we would consider such garbage?

Look, I like technology and gadgets as much as the next guy, but to think of marrying something made in a factory in China, gives me chills. Besides, what kind of a warranty would I get? Those tech support guys in India think they have it tough when your Dell crashes, wait till it is someone's better half! I can just picture a typical support call...

"Hello, how am I helping you today?"

"Please help, my wife's slumped over in the casserole pan and there's sparks coming out her ears! Oh please help! 911 laughed and hung up on me!"

"Are you tring a reboot? Thank you and have a nice day."

"Wait, don't hang up! I've tried that!"

"Is she having her battery plugged in, also a very common mistake!"

"Yes, yes, of course it is! I said she had sparks coming out her ears!"

"Sir, I am trying to help. Do not be losing your temper. Are you liking strawberry ice-cream? It is my very favorite flavor!"

"What?!"

"I am also liking chocolate, but strawberry is my very best."

"What are you talking about?! My wife, she's dying!"

"OK, you will be needing to pay to ship her to China for a replacement. In about 3 months you will be getting a new unit."

OK, I'll stop there, you get the idea. Not a pretty picture.

I'm making light of all this, but marriage used to be pretty easy to define. It was a 3 way covenant or contract between husband, wife, and God. We need to be tolerant and loving of all people and the lifestyle they choose. But for the good of our country and our tech support friends in India, lets remember what the word marriage means!

Top 10 Things Men Know About Women

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They are supposed to be blank ;)

My Wife is Wonder Woman

I've always known my wife is Wonder Woman. Now I finally have proof. I did one of those celebrity recognition tools on her and this is what I got. I tried it on myself, but I don't think the tool recognizes Borg implants.