Manly Musings

Future Ute Fan?

2011-12-11T16:39:00.006-07:00

Last week we went to the BYU Christmas party. Cosmo made an appearance, and I was amazed how Logan would just stare at Cosmo. For about 10 minutes he walked around and just wouldn't take his eyes off of him.

I thought he would enjoy getting up close to Cosmo, so posed him for this picture. Although fascinated by Cosmo, I guess this was a little too close for comfort. I'm not writing him off as a possible Ute fan just yet, but I'm keeping an eye on the situation.

Monster Under the Bed

2011-12-11T16:29:00.002-07:00

Recently Rochelle and I tried to move Logan out of his crib and into a normal bed. We actually moved him in with Reid, as Lynlee has been putting pressure on for quite some time to get her own room. He was 16 months, so we thought he would probably enjoy not having to sleep in the crib any longer.

The first night we tucked him in and everything seemed to go smoothly. I decided to check on him, one more time, before going to bed myself. It was dark in his room, but I shuffled over to his bed and tried to give him a hug and a kiss. All I got was blanket, so I started feeling around the bed. I found nothing.

I shuffled back to the door and turned up the lights enough to see my way around the room. I checked the closet next; I checked Reid's bed (a longshot, but I needed to cover all my bases). I even checked under the beds, but couldn't find him. At this point I am about a minute into my search and really starting to wonder where he could be.

I walked back to the door and turned the lights up all the way. I looked under the bed again and still couldn't see anything, so I crawled under the bed and reached back to the wall. I was really relieved to feel some little toes. I grabbed them and pulled Logan out from under the bed. I guess he must have rolled out of bed and sleep crawled all the way under his bed against the wall.

The kid is a very active sleeper. We've made the mistake of putting him in our bed a few times. I remember one night in particular, I woke up and he was wrapped around my head like a turban. I could barely breathe! After a couple nights, he is back in the play pen (we sold his crib--woops). We'll try again in a few months.

Give Me a Shake

2011-12-11T16:12:00.002-07:00

A couple months ago, Logan started walking. It has been fun chasing him around and watching him dismantle our home.

But there have been cute moments as well. I've usually carried Logan into church and he'd watch as I'd shake hands with people before the start of meetings. A couple months ago, he snuck away from our pew, during the meeting, and walked up and down the aisle shaking hands with everyone.

It was funny to watch him in his little suit and tie. He would walk up to people, look at them and hold out his hand until they gave it a shake. He was persistent as a few people didn't pick up on what he wanted right away. With one individual, he must have held is hand out for a minute or so until he got the handshake he was waiting for. It was all very sweet, until one individual misread his desire for a handshake and gave him a cookie.

At that point I had to go retrieve him as he now felt that handshakes just didn't measure up to getting cookies from everyone. But it was cute while it lasted. They learn so fast!

Baptism Interview

2011-07-16T09:35:00.000-06:00

Reid met with our Bishop last Sunday after church for his baptism interview. The Bishop knows Reid pretty well because he lives right across the street from us. After church, Reid always dashes to the Bishop's office for a small treat. This Sunday someone had brought the Bishop a plate of homemade cookies.

During the interview, the Bishop asked, "So Reid, tell me what you are thinking right now?" Reid is always very honest and replied, "Do you really want to know?" Our Bishop said, "Of course!" Reid, became quiet, lowered his head, and stared at the Bishop's desk as if in deep thought. He then said, "I think those cookies look delicious!"

Reid passed his interview and got a free cookie as part of the deal. I'm not sure how I'm going to feed that kid when he is a teenager.

Breathtaking Hike

2010-10-16T21:30:00.006-06:00

On Friday Reid and I hiked Mount Timpanogos. We left at sunrise (7:30 AM) and made it back to our car at sunset (7:30 PM). This was not an easy hike, the trail to the top is just under 7 1/2 miles with about a 4,500 foot elevation gain. Below I wanted to capture some memories from the trip, which I thought would be amusing for others to read as well.

I woke Reid up at about 6:30 AM. I neglected to tell him beforehand that we would be hiking Timpanogos so he was a little grumpy and confused when I woke him so early on his day off school. I thought it would be best to surprise him as I didn't want him staying up late worrying about the hike. However, I was able to win him over with some strawberry jam on toast, scrambled eggs, and the promise of Pokemon cards if he could make it to the top.

Reid did a great job on the hike. It wasn't easy by any means! After coaxing him up the mountain, I think I have enough motivational material to write a best selling self-help book. My kids love the cartoon Scooby-Doo and the way to motivate Scooby-Doo is through a healthy supply of Scooby Snacks. For Reid it is an ample supply of fruit snacks. I make sure to bring lots of fruit snacks on any hike I go on with the kids! Reid ate not only the food I brought for him but a lot of the food I brought for myself as well. I think he finished the hike having eaten 3 apples, 2 PB and J sandwiches, 6 packages of fruit snacks, and a pretty big bag of chocolate almonds. Lucky for me, he doesn't care for beef jerky.

Reid got a little scared near the top of the mountain. At the saddle of Timpanogos the trail becomes pretty steep and windy. We held hands from the saddle to the top. My proudest moment came at the top of the mountain. Reid was looking off of the summit of Mount Timpanogos with his face into the wind and said "Dad, this is breathtaking!" I thought to myself, "Wow, despite all the complaining my seven year old gets it! He gets it! It is breathtaking! I didn't know he knew that word, breathtaking is a pretty big word for a 7 year-old!" I felt a tear starting to well up, but then Reid explained further, "With this wind blowing in my face, I can't breath! The wind is taking my breath away!" I had to agree, the wind on the summit is breathtaking.

What a great day we had. On the way back we saw a herd of mountain sheep and from the same spot a herd of mule deer. It was amazing! The fall colors were in full glory with yellow aspens and orange and red maples. I think it was a day Reid and I will remember for a long time.

Killer Hike

2010-07-21T14:49:00.001-06:00

Last week, we finally welcomed our little baby boy (Logan) into the family. Due to the birth, the other kids have been cooped up for the week, so I decided to take them hiking to Timpanogos Cave National Monument down American Fork Canyon.

The caves are super cool, but the hike is about 1.5 miles straight up a mountain. I somehow convinced all my kids to come--Lynlee (8), Reid (6), Sadie (5), and Tessa (3). A sign along the trail caught Lynlee's eye, it said "Danger, falling rocks!" She started to cry--"I don't want to get crushed by falling rocks!" Sadie and Tessa soon joined in. Using my expert daddy skills, I calmed them all down and we continued up the mountain.

A few minutes later we came to the next sign, which read "Extreme Danger, falling rocks! Do not stop on red lines!" Lynlee started wailing at this point and, to make matters worse, every time we came to a red line we all got yelled at to hurry up and get off the line. However, this did increase our pace up the mountain.

The next sign along the trail read "Danger, rattlesnake habitat! Stay on the trail!" Lynlee lost it again, "Daddy! Daddy! I don't want to get bit by a rattlesnake! It could kill me!" I defused this one by saying if you stay on the trail you will be fine. I also promised her she wouldn't see any rattlesnakes (a promise I'd later regret).

The next sign showed a stick man slipping and falling off a cliff. You can guess the reaction to that one. But we were almost to the cave and surely we had seen all the signs by this time. But of course there had to be one more sign educating hikers about the fact that they are hiking in an active earth quake zone. I had to laugh, my poor little girls were an emotional wreak by the time we reached the top.

The caves were awesome and the kids had a lot of fun. However, on the way down we saw two rattlesnakes just off the trail. So much for my earlier promise! Reid thought they were cool and I managed to grab him before he could do something stupid like poke them with a stick. However, the girls started to cry again. "Dad, you promised we wouldn't see any rattlesnakes! You lied to us! Why would you take us on such a dangerous hike! We could have all been killed! And the Oscar goes to …"

Reid and I thought it was a fun hike, but I think it will be awhile before I convince the girls to go on a hike with me again!

Here are some pictures from the hike:

Free Drug Week

2009-11-01T22:12:00.003-07:00

Last week Reid and Lynlee's school had a week to educate the kids about the dangers of drugs--Drug Free Week. However, I had a shock when Lynlee announced to me on Monday that it was "Free Drug Week" at school. Needless to say I offered to drive them to school that week.

YouTube Twitter and Facebook

2009-06-05T22:31:00.004-06:00

I was watching the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien the other night. They were doing their "In the Year 2000" skit, but have rampped it up to "In the Year 3000". Anyway, the last joke was pretty funny.

"In the year 3000... YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge to create one super time wasting website called You Twit Face!"

Too funny!

You can watch it on Hulu.com for the time being.

Pracitcal Joke 2009

2009-05-27T21:26:00.015-06:00

Last year my boss, Joseph, went to Asia for 3 weeks and we thought it would be funny to convert his office into a bathroom here is the link.

This year we decided to go with a backyard theme. Robert was able to procure some left over turf from some work being done on the Lavell Edwards Stadium. With the scrap we were able to sod his whole office. We then outfitted the office with lawn chairs, a barbecue, toys, a pool filled with sand and water. Oh, and a real live turtle for the pool.

We also bought garden hats for the advisement office and dean's office who came down when he arrived. It was a lot of fun. But the hardest part is figuring out what to do next year. It is amazing how it just seems to fall into place though.

Dean Cornia came down to help us out. He has a good sense of humor.

Manly Campout

2009-05-24T15:52:00.020-06:00

This past Friday our church held a campout for all fathers and sons. Reid, who is five, was really excited to go.

It has been awhile since Reid has gone camping. When Reid was three we took him on a camping trip with some friends, but the heat, cracking, and popping of the campfire frightened him and we finally found him locked in the car and hiding--poor little guy!

How times have changed! Apparently between the ages of three and five, Reid's Y chromosome has kicked in with a vengeance and he is as much of a pyromaniac as the other boys his age. Most of the boys at the campout were around Reid's age, between four and eight years old. The big excitement of the night was watching these boys try to roast marshmallows over the campfire to make s’mores.

The boys all had sticks or metal skewers and it was both amazing and terrifying to watch this young tribe at work. Some of the boys just enjoyed watching the marshmallows and whatever else they could put in the fire burn. Others would swing their skewers around like they were trying out for the high school fencing team. I almost ended up on the business end of a few skewers trying to add wood to the fire. I'm glad no one came home with an eye patch! I'm also proud to report that the only injury sustained was a small burn blister on one of the boy's hand. Nice work dads!

It is for this reason that mother's aren't invited to these types of campouts. I can't think of any mother that could let their son play with red hot skewers in front of a raging fire, let their son eat his weight in molten marshmallow and at the same time carry on a meaningful conversation about the NBA playoffs and why coach so and so is an idiot! Nope, this is where dads excel!

I don't know how many s’mores Reid ate, but if Guinness had been there recording the event he may have been published. He was covered in sticky melted marshmallow, on his hands, face, and shirt, everywhere! Reid then decided to go run and play with his friends in the dark. I heard him trip over a root and found him lying in the dirt. I picked up Reid; at least I thought it was Reid, who was covered with dirt, wood chips, bark, and leaves which had chemically bonded with the marshmallow. Lucky for me Rochelle had packed a box of baby wipes, it only took about 20 wipes to find my son under the black mess.

Reid had a great time on the campout and wants to go again next weekend. He told me "Dad, sometimes it is just nice to get away from the girls!" We are a little outnumbered in our home, so it was nice to have some male bonding time. I also think he is at home in the woods, where we don't have to worry about climbing on things, throwing blunt objects, or peeing in a toilet.

Zion National Park

2009-03-29T23:58:00.006-06:00

A picture says a thousand words. We went to Zion National Park in southern Utah this weekend. Amazing!

I used some freeware to stitch four pictures together. Then we had some fun with the kids pictures.

The views in the park were spectacular. I'd highly recommend going if you haven't been.

Fish in a Barrel

2009-03-08T19:21:00.006-06:00

It is 5:00AM, too early to wake up, but my bladder can no longer wait. I stumble into the bathroom, and realize I can’t find my glasses. At 6’4” and near sighted, I make the decision to sit down to avoid any potential misfires. Being married for 9 years has taught me two things (1) always put the seat down and (2) if you sprinkle when you tinkle be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.

As I sit down I think to myself, does the seat usually feel this warm at 5:00AM? Follow-up question--does the seat usually feel warm and wet? How did this happen?!

It turns out I have a five year-old son who, for some reason, likes to use my bathroom in the morning. I also now understand why sisters, mothers, and wives all over the world get so upset over a urine soaked toilet. I’ve honestly never experienced that particular horror in my life before, and I’m not looking forward to experiencing it ever again.

So here is the point of this blog. When you are 6’4” I think the occasional misfire is excusable even understandable, but how does a kid who doesn’t even stand 4 feet miss the toilet consistently?! I mean shouldn’t it be like shooting fish in a barrel?

Well, the other night I found out what is going on. A phenomenon I now refer to as sleep peeing. I heard some noise in the bathroom and went to investigate. To my horror, I found Reid standing there with his pants down, his eyes closed, his hands at his side, and his fire hose (best way I can describe it) flapping around hitting everything. I ran into the line of fire, in hind sight a stupid thing to do, and tried to get "a hold" on the situation, but the damage was done. Ah, the joys of parenthood!

Is it wrong for me to wish my son would just wet the bed?! One day we’ll look back on this and laugh, but if nothing else I have greater empathy for all the women of the world. I also now look twice and sit once.

Daddy Daughter Dance

2009-03-04T20:32:00.007-07:00

This past Friday our church held a very cool event for the girls four to twelve years old and their fathers. They put on a Daddy Daughter Dance with a dinner, corsages, music, and of course a glass disco ball. It was a lot of fun, despite trying to keep both my dates, Sadie (4) and Lynlee (6), happy.

For the first dance of the night they played "Butterfly Kisses"--that one always gets me. I was feeling pretty good about myself, because for the first time in my life, I had two girls cutting in and fighting over me on the dance floor. For the next song, I think they played something by Milley Cyrus. As soon as the song changed all the girls turned, left their fathers, ran into the middle of the floor, and started dancing and singing with each other.

This coordinated act by these small females gave me flashbacks to my youth. I remember going to the church sponsored youth dances and watching packs of girls dancing with each other. This, of course, left me and a host of other awkward young men on the outskirts of the dance floor doing our best to act cool.

As I looked around at the other fathers, it was like being transported back in time. Why is it that girls will instinctively dance with each other? I had always thought this was learned behavior, but for most of these girls this was their first formal dance. Could you imagine a group of boys dancing together in a similar situation? I'd imagine everyone would stop in their tracks if such an event took place--I think these boys would have some serious explaining to do at school the next day.

*****

“Hey Leroy!”

“What up?”

“You were sure light on your feet last night! I had no idea you were such a graceful dancer! Do you think you could teach me some of those moves?”

“Sure, boyfriend! By the way, do these dancing tights make my butt look fat? …”

*****

Doesn’t really flow does it?

Anyway, my dates did circle back eventually. OK, I offered to throw in some tosses and spins if they'd come back and dance with me. I'm not proud of the bribery, but it was a step in the right direction from my days as an awkward youth.

At the end of the night I tried to lock up some commitments for high school prom. Lynlee wasn't sold on the idea but Sadie gave me the knod. They grow up so fast, and it was awesome to see so many happy girls to be on a date with their dad, I'm going to miss these days!

TV Trasher

2009-02-09T22:00:00.007-07:00

A couple weeks ago our five year old, Reid, trashed our downstairs TV. It has taken several weeks for me to find the situation humorous enough to write about. Let me preface this story with some facts.

Our TV was not a LCD that can be knocked over if a child runs past it too fast. The TV was a Sony Wega 32" display. The TV weighs 176 pounds! I made sure to bolt the entertainment center to the wall studs, but the TV I didn't worry about, did I mention it weighs 176 pounds?!! Also, let me preface the story by saying I feel very lucky to have lost only a TV and not a five year-old boy.

Like most men I made sure to get a TV that fits perfectly in the entertainment center. There is nothing worse than a TV with five or six inches around it. Unfortunately, there was enough space for our four year-old Sadie to drop the remote behind the TV. We all knew the remote was behind the TV, but seeing that the TV was 176 pounds, I put off retrieving the remote till I could get some help. It wasn't going anywhere.

Well, this turned out to be a huge mistake. Reid and his best friend were playing video games and decided to watch a movie. I guess at some point during this process they felt that pushing the buttons on the player and TV was too demeaning. Reid, then said "I've got a plan!" Reid and his friend each grabbed a side of the TV. The plan was to lower the 176 pound TV to the ground so they could retrieve the remote. Then they would let Dad put it back when he got home from work. As a couple Spider Men in training (that is what they were going to watch), this would be the perfect test of their abilities.

So they counted off "one, two, threeeee!" and the two of them managed to pull the TV to the point where it tipped out of the entertainment center and smashed to the ground. They both ran for it. The force of the TV falling yanked the cable out of the TV causing the wires to touch and blow the circuit breakers in the basement and knocked out all the lights. Reid's friend quickly excused himself and headed for home--smart kid.

My wife called me on my way home from work. I had to investigate with a flashlight, but it wasn't hard to put the pieces together.

I felt very lucky that no one was hurt. Rochelle and I watched the news that night and a child died the same day doing the exact same thing. The child pulled a 27" CRT TV over and it fell on him, he died at the hospital. I'm convinced Reid has an army of guardian angels following him at all times. I guess it is time to reevaluate what needs to be bolted down.

Cuddle Crazy

2009-01-05T23:18:00.003-07:00

Tonight I told the kids that the first one to get their pajamas on, brush their teeth, and get into bed would get a special cuddle from their daddy. I know that doesn't sound like a great incentive, but our little Sadie, who is three, rushed to get ready for bed.

I was feeling pretty good about myself that she was so modivated to get a cuddle from her dad. I asked her, "So you really like to cuddle with your dad don't you?" She replied, "No, I just like to cuddle people!" I'm not feeling so special right now, and I'm trying to figure out how I can keep her from dating till she is thirty or so.

Top Ten Poor Career Choices for the Millennium

2009-01-04T16:01:00.019-07:00

The other day I was talking with some friends about the Millennium. Somehow we got on the topic of which careers would not be needed, when it comes. I thought our list was a pretty good start. Can you think of any more?

Butcher

Lawyer

Adult Movie Star

Doctor

Grave Digger

False Prophet

Rabbi

Police Officer

President/King/Military Commander

Lion Tamer

P.S. One of my resolutions is to blog more in the new year. I'll try to do better than I have the past couple months.

Ikea - Swedish for Sweat Equity

2008-08-12T23:00:00.011-06:00

The other day Rochelle laid down the law and told me it was time she had a decent work/project desk. Of course money is tight these days, and so we decided the best place to purchase said desk would be Ikea.

I've honestly never really bought anything major at Ikea. I've enjoyed their meatballs and hotdogs in the past, but I've never really made a major purchase at the store. So the whole trip was a learning experience for me.

Since it was Saturday and I knew I'd be in for a long trip with lots of other customers, I decided to get some meatballs. There is nothing worse than shopping on an empty stomach. The food was pretty good, but as I was leaving a lady grabbed me by the arm and pointed to a sign that said something about cleaning up your tray so Ikea could keep prices low. Well I didn't want to single handedly cause "Ikea inflation" so I did my part to clean up my table and tray.

Next I managed to make my way through the maze of displays and find the workarea lady. She helped me configure the desk and generated a two page shopping list. Two pages for a single desk? "OK, where do I bring my car to pick it up?" She then informed me I had to go pick out the packages in the warehouse, which is how they keep prices low. So I proceeded to make my way to the warehouse. Only one problem, I had to walk through two miles of merchandise to get there.

At this point I'm starting to feel like I'm in a video game quest. Talking to people trying to find a short cut, gathering the necessary puzzle pieces, and decoding the map I was given to find my list of items. Truthfully, my one desk required 13 packages!

The first 12 packages were all fairly small, but number 13 was about 6 feet long and 5 feet wide. Disregarding the picture of two happy Swedish fellows lifting the box, I somehow managed to finagle the package on to my cart by myself and made it to the checkout. At this point I'm tired, sweaty, and ready to get home.

The girl at the checkout then scolds me for not lining up the bar codes on my 13 packages correctly. She asks "Sir, haven't you shopped here before?" I jokingly replied, "A better question to ask is, will I shop here again?" She then said, "We keep prices lower by having you line up packages so we can scan items faster."

At this point in my shopping trip I'm having two thoughts (1) the guy who started Ikea is brilliant because he has basically turned all his customers into his employees and (2) how do I apply for a job at Ikea? As I'm leaving they have a special for two hot dogs, a pop, and chips for $2. Perfect, I've seriously worked up an appetite and that is too good of deal to pass up. Ikea makes me happy again.

So I victoriously get all 13 packages I need home, amazingly not forgetting any. I open all the packages and get the directions out only to discover that apparently Swedish furniture makers communicate using cryptic pictographs instead of words. Then the thought comes to my mind, "We keep our prices lower by not translating instructions and letting you figure it out."

OK, so at this point let me conclude that I'm all for keeping prices low. We all need a break with soaring gas prices, inflation, and the sagging economy. But it isn't me clearing my plate or lining up my packages that keeps Ikea prices low. It is the fact that all Ikea furniture is made from wood chips and glue. There I said it. That is the real secret, but I still may apply for a job there. I wonder if they give employees free meatballs?

Virtually Made It

2008-05-26T22:06:00.006-06:00

The other day we took the kids to the park. Earlier in the day I watched my four year old son, Reid, perform amazing feats on the game cube game "Mario Dance Party". It was a real blow to my pride to be bested by a four year old.

At the park I was pushing the kids on the swing and I saw Reid trying to time the swing so he could run behind it. I watched him bolt for it just in time to have the swing and child nail him in the head and send him flying. I ran to make sure he was alright, but then had to fight back the urge to laugh about the whole situation.

Earlier in the day I was so impressed with my son's timing and ability to perform in a video game. But when it came to a real world situation he wasn't as impressive. I guess we better hit the gym together.

Tech Support

2008-05-24T17:15:00.009-06:00

Here are some pictures of India, the place you call for tech support. It all makes perfect sense now doesn't it :)?! A friend sent these to me and I had to share them. Click the pictures to see a bigger version.

Pracitcal Joke

2008-05-22T21:19:00.008-06:00

My boss has been in Asia for the past 3 weeks on a study abroad program. Due to construction in our building we've lost the use of the bathroom on our floor. As a joke we thought it would be amusing to convert my boss' office into a bathroom. I thought I'd share some pictures of the finished product. He gets back tomorrow, I can't wait!

For the big reveal we got the new Dean to surprise him. It was priceless.

Kids vs Happiness

2008-05-12T22:06:00.010-06:00

I've been terrible at blogging lately. I don't have a good excuse. But I have been commuting to work 7 hours each way each week and being away from my family has really cut my writing material down. Honestly, the most interesting things that happen to me each week are related to my role as a husband and father.

Case and point: last week when I was leaving home to make my drive back to work my wife prayed that I'd be safe and not have an accident. Lynlee as soon as the prayer was over looked puzzled and said, "Dad are you worried about having a pee accident on the drive or a car accident?" I promptly answered "yes!" You know how men are on the open road, they can't be bothered to stop for anything!

I had an interesting experience driving home this weekend, I stopped in to SubWay for a foot long sub. All the sitting in the car really works up an appetite! While I was enjoying my Spicy Italian (the sub people!), a news study came on the radio about family life. Some Harvard geniuses (I'm using a sarcastic tone in my mind) found that a married couple's happiness drops significantly when they have a child. They also found that the couple's happiness continues to drop with each additional child.

If this study is true, and if you know anything about studies that is a big if, I think it is very sad. I admit my life was simpler when it was just me and my lovely wife. I only had one other birthday to remember and I was fortune to marry someone born on the same day as myself. That took a lot of work and planning let me tell you! But seriously, there is no greater joy than a loving family life.

Now that I am away from my family during the week, I realize how much joy they do bring me. I really miss each of them and long to be with them. I wonder if that Harvard study was run by a team of happily married researchers with lots of well taught children? Hmmm, probably not! Sounds like a case of ever learning and never coming to a knowledge of the truth.

I Miss What I Miss

2008-03-29T21:23:00.015-06:00

This past month I've been commuting to my new job, which means I don't see my family during the week. I look forward to the weekend, when I can see my wife and kids. Today we went shopping and bought some lightsabers for the kids (not real ones of course). I decided to try and give my wife a break so I cooked dinner and offered to watch the kids so she could have some personal time.

I had a great time with the kids, they are never boring. But I have to shake my head sometimes.

"I see that your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now—let's see how well you can handle it."

After dinner my four year-old son decided to unzip his jean shorts and lodge his lightsaber in there. He then proceeded to shake his hips back and forth warding off the attacks from his sisters. Holding back my laughter, I don't want him to know it was funny, I disarmed him.

When I turned around my one year-old daughter had her feet and head on the ground. Her arm was reached way back behind her bum with a water bottle. She was dumping the water on her butt and watching the water run off her diaper between her legs.

Kids just know how to have fun, they really do keep life interesting.

Don't Talk with Your Mouth Full

2008-03-29T21:09:00.006-06:00

Several weeks ago we were sitting at the table as a family enjoying a nice dinner. The conversations are pretty basic in our family, since our oldest is only 6, but they are always lively. There is usually ample competition to get the microphone, so to speak.

Our four year-old son jumped in on the conversation with his usual zeal. He usually tells us about his exploits playing Lego Star Wars, what Lego Star Wars character he wants to buy next, or that "so and so" just got the new Lego Star Wars game--you get the idea. But the whole time he is talking, his mouth is stuffed with pepperoni pizza, and I mean stuffed. None of us had a clue what he was saying, while he chomped and sputtered on.

Finally, my wife couldn't take it any more. "Reid! Don't talk with your mouth full!" she said. Without missing a beat he expelled a huge wad of pizza into his hand and continued talking, the whole time with that large ball of chewed pizza sitting in his palm. All I could do was laugh. I had to admire his simple, but effective resolution to the problem.

I'm Back

2008-03-29T21:05:00.003-06:00

This past month has been a blur and my blogging has seriously suffered. This month I started a new job, which is going well but is keeping me very busy. There is always so much to learn when you start something new.

To complicate matters more, the job is out of state so I've been spending my weekends commuting rather than musing. But everything is going great and I'm excited to get my musing gears moving again!

Mindless Entertainment

2008-02-18T16:15:00.006-07:00

Who Said "White Men Can't Jump!"

I Wish I Had This Much Time (Music Made With Windows 98 & XP Sounds)

I'm Exhausting

2008-02-15T07:48:00.008-07:00

On the weekend we took a family trip to the zoo. It is a bit of a drive from where we live but the kids always do great going to fun destinations. It is the trip coming home that can be scary.

During our ride home, our oldest daughter decided she was fed up with the long drive.

"I'm exhausting, I'm exhausting!"

She kept whining that over and over again. She didn't get any argument from her parents. We also didn't bother to correct her grammar.

Top Ten Sylvester Stallone Movie Ideas

2008-02-04T11:54:00.000-07:00

It is amazing to me how many aging, action movie stars are trying to make a comeback. Arguably, foremost among them is Sylvester Stallone, who was most famous for playing characters like John Rambo and Rocky Balboa.

I have to admit I've spent many hours as a youth enjoying these types of action movies--a fact I'm not overly proud of. At first I'm appalled when I hear of these comebacks. Stallone, for instance, is not only the same age as President Bush but he also shares the same birthday (July 6, 1946). When you do the math that makes him 61 years old!

The fact that Stallone is 60+ is not a deal breaker. But to continue to make action movies, he'll need creative ideas and solid scripts with the right spin. With the right spin anything is possible, which is why I've decided to help the man out and give him some future ideas for projects.

"Dis-orderly Conduct" - Rambo is placed in an assisted living home and must escape. The movie starts out with John Rambo pretending to have a cardiac event in bed. As the orderly leans over him to check his vitals, Rambo smothers him with the Depends he's managed to wiggle out of. This starts his big escape as he systematically takes out the doctors and nursing staff.
"RamboCop" - The military decides to refurbish their aging asset using cyborg technology. This would be a little bit like RoboCop but so much cooler.
"Tour of Duty" - Rambo and his Asian mistress tour the US in a stolen RV with the police in close pursuit.
"Rocky Carcinoma" - Rocky must battle his toughest opponent yet. An eleven rounder with prostate cancer!
"401K Cliffhanger" - Stallone plays an aging movie star who is ready to retire. However, his reckless spending habits and appetite for the finer things in life have made this impossible--forcing the actor to push off retirement. Will his financial advisers be able to help him save enough to make his retirement dreams possible?
"Over the Hill" - This would be the sequel to Stallone's under appreciated arm wrestling movie "Over the Top".
"Rocky Roid" - No, this isn't a flavor of ice cream, and no it is not a movie about Rocky shooting up with steroids to stay in the game. Rather, it is the inspiring story of the aged boxer's struggle to regain the title while dealing with a flaring bout of hemorrhoids.
"Put to Pasture" - A cleaver play on Rocky's title "The Italian Stallion". I still have to work out the plot on this one.
"Eye of the Turtle" - One of my favorite songs in the 80s was "Eye of the Tiger" and the Rocky movies did a great job of exploiting that theme. Now 60+, Rocky must exploit a new strategy to find success--the "Eye of the Turtle".
"Last Blood" - I think this title speaks for itself.

Start Clapping!

2008-01-25T13:30:00.000-07:00

The other night I was teaching our 3 year old little girl how to shoot hoops on our Fisher Price basketball hoop. I grew up playing a lot of basketball and must admit that I am a huge fan of the sport. I'm really hoping our kids will take an interest in playing basketball as well.

In an effort to cultivate this interest, I was showing her how to shoot the ball. I also, strategically, made all kinds of noise and applause every time she made a basket--hoping she'd find this encouraging. This went on for probably about 30 minutes until I got distracted with one of the other kids and didn't see her make a basket.

She walked up to me grabbed my face and turned it towards her. Then she put both hands on her hips, scrunched up her face, and said in a disgruntled voice, "START CLAPPING!" It was one of those moments you had to be there to really appreciate. Somehow I think whatever activities or hobbies she chooses to do, she won't have a problem demanding the attention she deserves.

My 2008 Ballot Proposal

2008-01-24T09:09:00.000-07:00

Budget Cuts

Our country is in a terrible mess, which has led a larger than average percentage of the nation to be glued to the 2008 presidential election. I think it is great that so many people are watching the election and looking to make change, but we have another problem on the horizon--the problem of uninformed or, for the lack of a politically correct term, dumb voters.

I am extremely grateful to live in a free country, even if it has become less such over the past decade. I also cherish the fact that we live in a democracy, because history and common sense informs us that the voice of the people will usually pick the best candidate. I also think it was essential that the right to vote was afforded to all people regardless of race, gender, or economic status. In the early days of the country that right was only afforded to the land owners and wealthy elite, because it was viewed that they were in the best position to make such decisions for the common good. Yeah right!

So where am I going with this? We have the responsibility as citizens to make informed decisions. Not to vote for a candidate just because they tell us what we want to hear or make us feel warm and fuzzy inside. We shouldn't vote or not vote for a candidate because they are a certain color, religion, or gender. We should judge each candidate by not only their words but more importantly their track record, their character, and the merits of their campaign. While I think affording all citizens the right to vote is critical, I wish there were some way to weed out the bad apples.

So here is my simple proposal for the 2008 ballot. The first part of the ballot is a 10 question quiz asking basic economic, civic, and political questions that any voter should know. Once the ballot is completed and turned in, the electronic counter first grades the 10 question quiz. If the voter passes (say a score of 50% or more), their vote is added to the totals, but if they fail the ballet is sent to a shredder where it belongs. I know it sounds a little harsh, but would it be such a bad thing to force voters to study a little before they cast their ballot?

The voter doesn't even need to know if they passed or not. Although, it would be funny to print off a little score sheet with a little Uncle Sam giving them the thumbs up or down. So in submitting my proposal, I thought I'd write a sample quiz for the 2008 ballot. Please let me know if you have any good questions to add.

Sample Ballot Quiz (true or false):

Social Security is a great program and the government should be able to force how I invest my money for retirement because I'm not responsible enough.
Socialized Health Care is good because it is fun to wait 6 months to see a doctor or to have everyone with a sneeze or sniffle in the emergency room ahead of me.
I can't wait for our currency to change to the Amero!
I'd like my government to tag me with a RFID chip like a typical family pet because that would solve the immigration problem the government doesn't want to fix.
The Federal Reserve, which controls the nation's money supply, is under the umbrella of the government and is not a privately owned corporation.
The war in Iraq is about freeing an oppressed people and defending our country against the very people that caused the attack on September 11, 2001.
The National Debt is good because it means I get lots of stuff without paying for it.
I would use the word "FAIR" to describe our trade with China.
I'd gladly give up my freedom and liberties as a citizen to have the government tell me I'm a little bit safer.
The best way to fix a problem is through government regulation.

I'm A Keeper

2008-01-17T11:39:00.001-07:00

Teething is not fun! I'm not speaking from some deep repressed memory I have of my own experience cutting teeth, but from my experience as a father. Recently our little baby girl has been working on a few new top teeth, and it has been a painful experience for everyone involved.

We have a shirt that seems to lighten the mood a bit. It seems to fit the kids right when they are at this teething stage. The shirt simply says, "I'M A KEEPER". I appreciate my wife using the shirt, because when I see it, I know to tread lightly. I also appreciate the fact that you can't help but smile when you see a little kid in this shirt.

The last picture shows two brand new pearly whites! Whew!

I'm Hungry!

2008-01-10T09:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I decided to pick up some lunch for the whole family. My oldest daughter, who is 5, insisted on accompanying me. I let her come along, knowing full well what would happen. As soon as the food was in the car, the whining began.

"Daddy, Daddy! I'm soooooo hungry! Can I have a french fry? Please, oh please!"

"No sweet heart, you have to wait till we get home."

"But I'm so hungry; can't I just have one fry?"

This conversation continued for several minutes back and forth, until I pulled out one of the oldest parent lines related to this topic. It is one of those lines you inherit from your parents, but swear you will never use.

"You don't even know what it is to be hungry! There are people, poor people, who are dying and don't have enough food! So don't cry and tell me you're hungry, because you don't know what that even means!"

There was a pause for a couple seconds. "Finally," I thought to myself. Then my daughter spoke up.

"Dad, those people are starving! I'm just very hungry, and I do know what that means!"

I can see my argument winning days are quickly coming to an end.

The Kid Eliminator

2008-01-07T12:23:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Years!

This year I tried to put a lot of thought into the presents I purchased for my wife. I really appreciate her and all she does for our family. As one of her stocking stuffers I purchased a pair of commercial-grade ear muffs (ear protection) that will block noise up to 21 dB. On the package I wrote "The Kid Eliminator".

I thought with the ear protection, when I watch the kids, my wife could take a nap, bath, or read a book and it would be like having no kids. Don't get me wrong we both love our kids very much, but sometimes moms and dads need a break from the screaming, crying, nagging, whining, and general horseplay. At this point, some of you are probably thinking, "What a great idea! I need to get a pair of those!" It is funny how kids can take a good idea and turn it upside down on you.

So what has happened? The kids have found the ear muffs and they are a favorite toy now. One of our kids will put the ear muffs on and they will all start jumping on the bed and scream at the top of the lungs. This is, of course, hilarious to them as the one wearing the protection can barely hear the screaming. Then they will switch and repeat the whole exercise. This has increased their noise levels dramatically and turned "The Kid Eliminator" into "The Kid Amplifier". Oh well, if you can't beat them, join them!

Christmas Poll Results

2008-01-07T11:59:00.000-07:00

This was a pretty lame survey. I promise I'll try and do better in the future. Based on the results, you may want to check the expiry dates on some of your perishable gifts this year, before digging in!

Musical Beds

2007-12-31T07:39:00.000-07:00

As parents, one rule my wife and I have tried to be firm on is, "No kids or babies allowed in the bed!" With 4 kids 5 and under, the rule is constantly tested during bed time. But as the kids get older, they also get smarter, and we are now in a routine, which my wife and I call "Musical Beds."

"What is Musical Beds?"

It isn't as much fun as it sounds. Basically the game starts once mom and dad have fallen soundly and deeply asleep. At this point the first child will somehow sense the window is now open, wake up, and crawl into bed with mom and dad. Once said child is situated in mom and dad's bed the next child will sense it is their turn and follow suite--and so on.

It is amazing how such little bodies can take up so much space. After I graduated from university, I purchased a king sized bed for more space, but it feels like a cot once you add 3 kids to it. Our 2 year old will lie flat on her back, arms and legs stretched out, and saw logs like a 300 pound trucker. It is actually quite amazing to watch--a dainty-little-blond-haired girl making a noise that shouldn't come out of her.

At this point in the game, one of the parents is usually forced out of the bed. My son likes to push me with his feet till I fall out of bed. Once out of bed, the parents will migrate to the kids' beds in the hopes of getting some much needed sleep. The other night I went and got in my son's bed, a couple hours later I feel him jump into the bed with me again and pull the same stunt! "I surrender!"

As an added element of danger, my kids are still at a stage where bed wetting can and does take place. This adds a "Russian Roulette" element to the game, which I don't think needs to be described in any more detail. But this gives the kids an unfair advantage in the game, and is one of the reasons I'll concede the bed in the middle of the night.

I miss the days when I could go to bed with my wife and wake up with the same person. If I do manage to stay in the bed, it is like waking up in some foreign hostel or college frat house after a wild party with bodies draped all over me. I've actually woken up and had a panic attack wondering, "WHERE AM I?!" The worst part is that I'm competitive, and I have yet to win a game of "Musical Beds!"

I want the game to stop, but I'm at a loss as to how to stop it. However, my male brain has come up with a few options.

Chain the kids to their beds
Lock the kids in their rooms
Purchase some shock collars and set up a perimeter
Three words, "Trained Guard Dog"

I'm pretty sure any one of these would guarantee me a visit from Social Services. So for now it is game on. But please let me know if you have any ideas.

Great Christmas Idea For Mom

2007-12-24T07:59:00.001-07:00

Still looking for that perfect gift for the women in your life? Look no further!

Here is what could go wrong with the wrong gift. No pressure guys!

At the Buzzer

2007-12-23T21:00:00.000-07:00

First off let me say that I am not a sexist. Women are wonderful, and have men beat in so many areas it would be impossible for me to even attempt to list here. But there is one area where men excel over women, hands down, and that is in the art of last-minute Christmas shopping.

Yesterday, I braved the crowds to try and get my shopping done. I take great pride in my ability to, just before the buzzer, pull off the win. Something I took from my days playing High School Basketball and other competitive sports. Most women get their Christmas shopping done months (often many, many, many months) in advance, but men know that it is the last few minutes, or even seconds that the game is either won or lost. That is why we wait for the perfect moment, and then come out with our guns blazing.

But this is where I could get in trouble with some of the females reading this post. OK, I'm just going to throw it out there--I think women should be banned from Christmas shopping after December 20th! There I said it! But let me share a few experiences from yesterday that demonstrate my point.

Have you ever noticed that the longest checkout lines seem to move the fastest? I'm not kidding; usually I am very careful to not look at just the length of the line but more importantly, the cashier, and even more importantly, the customers in front of me. Yesterday, I broke my rule and got in the short line behind a lady that was the slowest I've ever seen. I should have left the line, but when you are next, you know as soon as you leave you'll miss your turn. Well, that didn't happen. This lady asked for price checks, wanted to know if they had the item in a different color, she even wanted the cashier to call and see how much she had on her Visa gift card so she didn't go over on it. I'm sorry, but this is the type of shopping that must take place before December 20th, when you don't have 10 people behind you. I finally did bail on the line, started the waiting process over, and still beat her out of the store!

I then went to another store to take an item back. The customer service desk was very large with two sides and two lines on each side of it. I picked a line and waited patiently for my turn. Finally, the lady behind the counter asked, "How can I help you sir?" I began to explain my return, when a lady from the other line slapped her hand on the counter and yelled, "OH NO YOU DON'T!" I said, "Excuse me?" She then said, "I was here before you! It is my turn!" and pushed her way in front of me, which I gladly conceded. I could tell the Christmas stress was taking its toll on her.

I had a lot of time to ponder these events as I waited in yet another line. I looked at the line across from me and saw a man who seemed very calm, an attribute I've always admired in the great athletes like Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods. I thought to myself, "Now there is a man who is a veteran last-minute Christmas shopper!" I then surveyed his purchase, and had to smile. On the checkout counter was about a hundred pairs of different colored socks, a mop, and a broom. Would I buy my wife a mop and broom for Christmas? Not on your life! But he demonstrated the gutsy, split second decision making ability necessary to be a successful last-minute Christmas shopper. So his purchases didn’t diminish my respect for him.

Women are more thoughtful, they feel more, they care more that the gift is the perfect gift for that cherished someone, and this added stress can push many over the top. So let's get a bill on the table banning women from Christmas shopping after December 20th! Not for us men, but for our sisters, mothers, daughters, and wives, which we love and just want to be happy and healthy!

Top 10 Signs Your TV Remote is Too Big

2007-12-13T11:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was at the store looking for some Christmas gifts for my family. The women reading this post are thinking, "How could you be doing your Christmas shopping so late?" and the men are thinking, "Are you missing a Y chromosome? That is like 10 days before Christmas!"

Anyway, I found the best gift ever. So good in fact, I had to buy one for myself--I've been reasonably good this year. It is a ginormous (love that word) TV remote. In an age when everything is getting so small (i.e. cell phones, ipods, etc.), it is nice to hold something with some girth to it.

I miss the cell phones that were the length of your head and had an antenna about the same size as the one on your car. Now you see 6 foot 200 pound men carrying around cell phones that they must have stolen from their daughter's Barbie. Anyway, I love the new TV remote, but it led me to wonder how much remote is too much? Hence, the top signs your TV remote is too big:

Your remote takes two hands to operate.
It doubles as a TV dinner tray.
Everyone in your neighborhood has to watch what you watch.
One or more airplanes have crashed into your home.
If you dropped the remote, there is a greater than 50% chance you'd break your foot, someone else's foot, or your foot and someone else's foot.
You have a special insurance policy for just the remote.
The remote requires four D batteries.
It is larger than your new 42" Plasma Flat Panel TV.
In the middle of the night you hear what may be an intruder break into your home and you reach for the remote rather than the baseball bat.
The remote comes with a free pair of lead underwear and a sticker that warns, "Prolonged use of this remote control may cause cancer!"

Anyway, if you are looking for a Christmas gift that screams "I AM A MAN!", pick up the Colossal Remote from Living Solutions.

If The Shirt Fits, Wear It!

2007-12-01T23:06:00.000-07:00

Recently, my wife gave our 5 year old daughter some old, duplicate pictures to scrapbook. She pretty much hacks them up from an adult perspective, but takes great pride in her creations. Yesterday she showed me one of her pages with some of our old dating pictures on it.

The first thing that caught my eye was a shirt I was wearing that brought back a lot of memories. The shirt was a bright yellow color with a big logo that said "Lilac Festival" and had purple lilacs on the front. I had to smile.

The ladies reading this post are thinking "why would he buy and wear such a monstrosity!" As a single male student my values were different back then. I remember looking through the racks of clothes at our local thrift store and finding that particular shirt. So why did I buy it? These were my thoughts (in order) at the time.

"Wow that is a really bright and catchy color shirt."
"Only 4 dollars!"
"The material feels really thick and durable."
"The size looks like it should fit me. Let me try it on over my current shirt."
"Wow that is an ugly logo and it says something about lilacs. What the heck is the Lilac Festival?"
"But boy is it comfortable and it feels well made."
"Remember, only 4 dollars--I'm sold!"

And so a crime against fashion was committed. Now that I am married, my thought pattern has forever been changed, and if I were to buy such an item, I'm sure my wife would swiftly donate it to Good Will.

If I were female, I wonder how my thoughts would have been different. Let me try and speculate.

"OK, now remember what I learned last week on What Not to Wear."
"That blouse looks like it may conform to the fashion rules I learned."
"Good, it has vertical and not horizontal stripes."
"Earth tones should bring out my eyes and compliment my complexion."
"Let me take it and the other 50 items I'm holding and try them on."
"Excuse me; Miss, what do you think of this blouse on me? Does it make my hips look fat?"
"I wish I had brought so and so with me, she always looks so cute in the outfits she picks out."
"200 dollars, I wonder if I'm maxed out on the credit card yet?"
"Such a small price to pay to look and feel good about myself."
"I really deserve this."
"Maxed out? How could that be? Here, try this card, it should be good."

I'm just joking around. But the truth is men and women do think differently. So don't judge single guys too harshly based on their wardrobe. If you talked to them, you'd find they had a logical reason for purchasing each item in their ensemble.

The Sweet Spot

2007-11-19T10:31:00.000-07:00

All you have to do is watch about 5 minutes of AFV (America's Funniest Home Videos) to realize that kids have a gift for locating and attacking a certain region of the male anatomy, which I will furthermore refer to as the sweet spot.

The other night I was wrestling with the kids on the floor and made the rookie mistake of laying on my back (what was I thinking?!) and bear hugging my 2 year old daughter. This gave my 4 year old son the window he needed to land a flying headbutt right in the sweet spot. I understand accidents happen, we are all human, but my kids (all of them) connect at a frequency that I can no longer excuse to mere coincidence or chance.

Probably the most embarrassing episode was at the amusement park. I was waiting in line with the kids for a ride. My son wasn't too thrilled with the wait and started to leave the line. I told him to come back and in his frustration he ran at me and connected with his fist. I heard about 20 people groan "OOOOH! OOOOUCH! AAAAH!" in sympathy as I jack knifed to my knees. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to get us to the front of the line.

Anyway, I'm thinking of starting a brand of protective equipment for fathers. We have protection for hockey, baseball, and other sports, why not being a father? I'd love to see the kids little faces when their head or fist connected with a piece of American forged steel! Stay tuned for where to buy your made in the USA "Blockstrap" (patent pending--all rights reserved).

Big Eyes

2007-11-18T22:24:00.000-07:00

It has become kind of a tradition in our family that Friday is our pizza/movie night. The kids look forward to this each week and it is a lot of fun. This past Friday we rented Shrek the Third. The movie was pretty good, the kids love the character Puss in Boots and his big sad eyes.

Tonight my five year old daughter wanted to be carried upstairs to bed, but I had my hands full. I told her I had to take the baby upstairs and she'd have to walk. She then put her hands under her chin and tried to mimic the sad face Puss in Boots does in the movie. It was pretty funny, but you had to be there to really appreciate her acting chops.

Top Ten Signs It's Time Lose Weight

2007-11-14T20:36:00.001-07:00

I'm coming to the realization that I need to lose some extra baggage. Today I bought my son a whoopie cushion, he is only 4 so that kind of thing is hilarious to him. Well, I sat on it and instead of the embarrassing noise it made a loud pop. I guess the force of me sitting on it was too much and it exploded. In any event, that is what inspired this list.

It's been over a year without dusting off "Sweatin to the Oldies" and slapping it in the VCR.
You've actually used the phrase, "So that's where I put that" in relation to a lost item and your belly button.
Your signature Halloween costume is Jabba the Hutt but you can no longer find a willing Princess Leia.
You've eaten or seriously contemplated eating food from the garbage, "What a waste!"
The remote control batteries died and you were forced to watch the same channel for two weeks, "I could get up if I wanted to, but I like The Weather Channel!"
You get misty eyed during Fat Albert reruns.
You've bitten the finger of a friend or family member who has tried to eat food off your plate.
You own the Platinum Member Country Buffet credit card.
Someone gave you a fruit cake for Christmas and you ate it.
When asked the question, "Which came first the chicken or the egg?" all you can think of is which you'd eat first.

Kid Germs

2007-11-12T14:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was giving my kids their bath. We have four little ones, which fills up the tub nicely. It works out good, because I only need to use about 2 cups of water to give them their nightly bath. I guess you could say I'm doing my part to protect the environment or as the hip among us would say, "Go Green!"

Anyway, I grabbed a towel to dry them off only to find my son drinking the bath water. In my early days of parenthood this would have triggered panic, denial, or both. However, I was able to defuse the situation without the shock and awe of my earlier days. Don't get me wrong, I'm still grossed out by it, but I stay a little cooler now. So I gave him the lecture about drinking bath water (AGAIN!) and put the kids to bed.

It got me thinking about germs though. As a society we are dead set on the eradication of all microbes and germs. Soooo many companies use this to guilt parents into buying disinfectant wipes, and disinfectant hand sanitizer, and disinfectant everything. When the door to door vacuum salesmen come to your door, they try to make you feel guilty for not buying their product for your children and their health.

Look, I believe we should keep our homes clean, bathe, etc. But sometimes I wonder if all these disinfectants do more harm than good. Maybe it is just me, but the families I know that disinfect the most also seem to get sick the most. I'm starting to wonder if my kids and David Hasselhoff know something I don't.

Perhaps by drinking a little bath water, eating a few items off the floor, and chewing on other kids' toys they are, in effect, vaccinating themselves--building up an immunity to the world around them. I have no studies to back this theory up, I thought about making some data up like the news media would, but I won't stoop to their level. Besides, we all know that 83.6% of all statistics are pulled out of thin air.

This isn't a call to action, nor am I telling you to let your kids drink bath water! I am just throwing my theory out there and giving you my permission to eat that french fry you dropped on the car floor. Just don't let anyone see, especially the kids!

Curse You Ron Popeil!

2007-11-04T19:54:00.000-07:00

I was watching the kids today and came downstairs to find my 5 year old daughter glued to the TV. I was surprised to find her watching an infomercial for the Ron Popeil knives.

You know what these adds are like, they keep adding more and more free stuff, then finally tell you if you call within the next 15 minutes, you'll get a second set for free. Usually the stuff they sell in these infomercials is garbage, but boy are they convincing. They also make a point to saw through cans, marble, and in this one, even a hammer. Argh! Argh!

I asked my daughter what she was watching and she replied, "Daddy, we need to buy these knives!" I asked what she needed two sets of knives for, and she yelled pointing at the TV, "Hurry, we only have 13 minutes left!"

I broke down laughing, but the fact that a 5 year old girl with absolutely no need for knives would be so sold, made me think. How often do US consumers get suckered into lousy purchases they don't need?

Anyway, I'm proud to say we still do not own a Ron Popeil product. But if you ever feel weak in the knees for something you see on TV, please do an Internet search first. You'll save yourself 3 easy payments of only $XX.XX. Here is just one of the many blog comments about this deal:

"Holy Macraal! I really believe the knives that are being used in a tiny little hut in New Guinea by a shoeless, shirtless 3rd world woman have better quality!!!! I have ALL these knives and nowhere to put them! Used them once and the handles became loose and flimsy. Don't get me started on the way they look after a cycle in the dishmachine; looks like they where dug out of the Titanic! I feel like somebody took my money watted it up into a RONCO solid flavor injector and shoved it right where the [you can guess the rest]!"

Survey Results are Served

2007-11-04T14:42:00.000-07:00

The results are officially in on my first Manly Musings poll. Click here to read the post that spawned this poll.

From the results, one can conclude that either:

(A) People really do love their spouses and the thought of eating their better half is absolutely too much to bear.

OR

(B) North Americans are very picky eaters, and their spouse probably has too much trans fat to be a healthy meal anyway.

In any event, thank you for sharing your opinion. Please answer my latest poll on the right side of the page.

A Short Circuited Relationship

2007-11-03T22:12:00.000-06:00

Recently I read an article about a scientist that claims by the year 2050 the first human to robot wedding will take place. How far have we sunk as a society that we would consider such garbage?

Look, I like technology and gadgets as much as the next guy, but to think of marrying something made in a factory in China, gives me chills. Besides, what kind of a warranty would I get? Those tech support guys in India think they have it tough when your Dell crashes, wait till it is someone's better half! I can just picture a typical support call...

"Hello, how am I helping you today?"

"Please help, my wife's slumped over in the casserole pan and there's sparks coming out her ears! Oh please help! 911 laughed and hung up on me!"

"Are you tring a reboot? Thank you and have a nice day."

"Wait, don't hang up! I've tried that!"

"Is she having her battery plugged in, also a very common mistake!"

"Yes, yes, of course it is! I said she had sparks coming out her ears!"

"Sir, I am trying to help. Do not be losing your temper. Are you liking strawberry ice-cream? It is my very favorite flavor!"

"What?!"

"I am also liking chocolate, but strawberry is my very best."

"What are you talking about?! My wife, she's dying!"

"OK, you will be needing to pay to ship her to China for a replacement. In about 3 months you will be getting a new unit."

OK, I'll stop there, you get the idea. Not a pretty picture.

I'm making light of all this, but marriage used to be pretty easy to define. It was a 3 way covenant or contract between husband, wife, and God. We need to be tolerant and loving of all people and the lifestyle they choose. But for the good of our country and our tech support friends in India, lets remember what the word marriage means!

Top 10 Things Men Know About Women

2007-11-01T17:02:00.000-06:00

They are supposed to be blank ;)

My Wife is Wonder Woman

2007-11-01T16:56:00.000-06:00

I've always known my wife is Wonder Woman. Now I finally have proof. I did one of those celebrity recognition tools on her and this is what I got. I tried it on myself, but I don't think the tool recognizes Borg implants.

Top 10 Signs You May Be Constipated

2007-10-22T16:54:00.000-06:00

I think this list needs no explanation.

You've finally had to abolish your "If it's yellow let it mellow..." rule.
You wonder how much fiber a Big Mac has.
You no longer snicker while reading the Bible verse Jerimiah 4:19 "My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart...."
You had a 42" LCD TV/DVD combo installed in your bathroom, and watched the whole Star Wars Trilogy in one sitting.
When the neighbor's dog does his business on your lawn, instead of chasing him away, you break down crying.
You dream you are on a theme park log ride and get jammed up before the big drop off.
When you walk you notice your toes are pointing out.
You buy your hemorrhoid cream at Costco.
You've actually eaten a prune based dessert.
You are still using toilet paper you bought for the Y2K scare.

I Ride Bikes...

2007-10-22T15:15:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I stumbled onto a note I had written when my daughter was 3 years old. It was a conversation we had about a large scar I have, which I received during a bad mountain biking accident.

My daughter asked, "Daddy, how did you get that ouchy?" I told her the story of my bike accident making sure to embellish the good parts. I then asked, "Have you ever fallen off of your bike?" She thought for a second and replied, "Dad, I ride bikes! I don’t fall off them!" If only I had learned that lesson at such an early age.

Top 10 Ways Working for the Borg Differs From a Large Corporation

2007-10-18T15:02:00.001-06:00

Those of you who work for large companies may appreciate this list. For those of you that don't know what or who the Borg are click here.

The Borg get the latest hardware and frequent upgrades.
The Borg never let anyone go.
The Borg train their drones.
As a member of the Borg Collective you never have to wonder what management is thinking.
The Borg have a sense of community.
The Borg adapt quickly.
The Borg have good, inexpensive health care.
The Borg Collective never has outages, unlike most corporate networks.
The Borg don't have to pay for their acquisitions.
The Borg are allowed to regenerate once a day.

Big Foot Wins Nobel Peace Prize

2007-10-12T23:20:00.000-06:00

Al Gore just won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work to combat global warming and climate change. Have they lost their minds? Wasn't the couple Oscars he won bad enough? Al Gore is a hypocrite, he should try living the doctrine he preaches to lower and middle class American families. There are lots of articles citing this.

"Gore's mansion, [20-room, eight-bathroom] located in the posh Belle Meade area of Nashville, consumes more electricity every month than the average American household uses in an entire year, according to the Nashville Electric Service (NES). "

"In his documentary, the former Vice President calls on Americans to conserve energy by reducing electricity consumption at home. "

"The average household in America consumes 10,656 kilowatt-hours (kWh) per year, according to the Department of Energy. In 2006, Gore devoured nearly 221,000 kWh--more than 20 times the national average."

View the full article here.

Talk about An Inconvenient Truth! What would his answer be to this? I'm guessing: "I'm paying for an offset to my carbon footprint." My answer: "SO WHAT BIG FOOT!!!!" I don't believe the climatic indulgences he is paying for absolve him from the social responsibility to practice what he preaches.

Child Obesity

2007-10-12T14:56:00.001-06:00

I read an article recently about childhood obesity in the US. The article pointed out that a generation ago over half of kids walked or rode their bikes to school and today less than 10%; in addition, it cited that less than 10% of elementary schools have daily gym. Are you kidding?

When I was a kid we had recess and daily gym. They also pushed us fairly hard in gym class; we did sit ups, push ups, long distance running, etc. I was really disturbed by the article and the direction our youth are headed. Our children's generation may be the first in recorded history to have a shorter average life span than their parents!

So how do we fix this problem? Glad you asked.... First I'd get rid of the title teacher and replace it with the title coach. The title coach has more authority and coaches have the ability to make lazy kids run laps when they screw up. "Forgot to do your homework did you? Give me 50 laps around the school!" "That is the dumbest answer I've ever heard! Drop and give me 100!"

This solution isn't the flowery, coddle your kids till they permanently live in your basement approach, but I think it would get results. Also, replace the school uniforms with sweat suits and we'd really be in business. I'd be willing to bet we'd see a marked improvement in grades as well!

40 Signs You May Be Canadian

2007-10-10T14:28:00.001-06:00

I've lived in the US now for quite a while. But I compiled this list to show some of the differences between US and Canadian citizens. You may not understand them all, but if you do, you are probably Canadian.

You are constantly trying to plug in your car.
You own 1 pair of shorts.
You've seen the movie "Strange Brew".
Your underwear have a maple leaf on them.
You dream about hockey.
You pronounce words correctly.
You own an Anne Murray CD.
You've never had authentic Mexican food.
You think Montana's climate is too hot.
You can calculate the exchange rate in your head.
You visit the doctor when you scrape your knee. "Thank goodness for universal health care!"
You own a Don Cherry bobble head.
You order takeout from Tim Hortons.
You mow the lawn twice each summer, except for that summer back in 99.
You own a special belt to hold your pants up; because of the amount of spare change you carry.
Your pet dog hunts caribou.
You've built a snowman in July.
Your favorite radio station still plays "Life is a Highway" by Tom Cochrane.
Your school only gives you a 2 month summer vacation.
You think a tamale is a small red candy sold at movie theaters. "Man, are those things hot!"
Half of what is advertised on TV you are unable to find in stores.
You can use "eh" in a sentence.
You believe the beaver to be a noble creature and not a rodent.
You've met a real live Newfy and you are still telling your friends about it.
You were forced to learn French in school.
You think Cuba is a great vacation destination.
You can name all the celebrities that are Canadian.
You own a snow suit.
You are not offended by the term "Homo Milk" and know it is not milk from a gay cow.
Your favorite potato chip flavor is ketchup.
You know Polar Bears aren't really cuddly and how many kilograms the average one weighs.
You're confused when someone asks you what providence you are from.
You believe that Canadian Tire has its own currency.
You are confused why anyone would confuse ham with something called Canadian bacon.
You use the term Inuit and never say Eskimo.
You wish global warming would "hurry up already!"
You are still waiting for your new iPhone.
You think $12 for a happy meal is a good deal.
Your school held an assembly called "Frost Bite: The Silent Killer!"
Your parents are Asian.

Feel free to add any more you can think of in the comments.

Top Ten Low Budget Christmas Gifts

2007-10-08T22:19:00.000-06:00

Being a guy I shouldn't even be mentioning the words "Christmas Shopping" yet. But as I am trying to reach out to my brothers around the world, I thought I'd put some ideas out there.

A bottle of Dog the Bounty Hunter's new perfume: "Captured".
An IOU for a hug.
A Salvation Army gift card.
A new car, in "Second Life".
A real stocking (just one).
A used bathroom reader or a one month magazine subscription.
One of your pets.
A Subway sandwich franchise.
A visit from two nicely dressed people with brief cases to discuss the pagan roots of the holiday and why we shouldn't give gifts.
A box of batteries with a note: "Toys not included".

Please add your ideas in the comments section.

Nerd Quiz

2007-10-08T14:17:00.000-06:00

Take the following quiz to determine how nerdy you are. I don't know if I should be proud of my 98 score or be ashamed. It is a fun little quiz to take though.

Post your scores in the comments.

Top Ten Low Budget Halloween Costumes

2007-10-08T13:10:00.000-06:00

Halloween is coming up soon! I don't know about you, but I'm tired of throwing a bunch of money at a costume I'll wear once for a couple hours. Please share your ideas for affordable costume ideas. I've tried to include what you'll need to pull off each idea.

A Nudist (One birthday suite--just add friends to go as a whole colony).
The Charmin Mummy (6 rolls of toilet paper--avoid restrooms).
The Invisible Man (Works best if you have no personality).
The Incredible Balding Man (One case of male pattern baldness).
Super Wedgie Man (One pair of resilient underwear--not for the faint of heart).
The Hemroid Avenger (One tube of Preparation H and a pained look).
The Headed Horseman (One good head on your sholders).
Baby Newyear (One of Grandma's Depends and a baby rattle).
Someone Caught Red Handed (One small can of red paint).
A Telemarketer (One phone headset and no soul--scariest costume, avoid small children and old people).

Snap Happy

2007-10-07T21:06:00.000-06:00

Tonight I'm trying to get my 9 month old girl into her jammies and she starts doing her patented death roll. Those of you with Discovery Channel know what I'm talking about. The death roll is used by a crocodile to subdue its prey; it will spin and spin under water until its victim gives up.

How my 9 month old daughter perfected this move, is beyond me. But it seems that all my kids had that move at her age as well. But here is the point, why do they put all those snaps on baby clothes? Obviously the people who make baby clothes have never had a child of their own, or they'd know the joy involved in trying to fasten 20 plus snaps during a full death roll.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a snap hater (i.e. snapophobe). I believe there are good applications for snaps, like boat covers or as a fly safety mechanism. But have these people not got the memo about the zipper being invented or velcro for that matter? I have to admit that I was fantasizing about velcro during tonights episode. Maybe there is an untapped niche market there.

My Son: The Genius

2007-10-06T12:29:00.000-06:00

A few days ago my wife thought it would be interesting to pose a question to our kids. She asked "If you were stuck on a deserted island and you could only have one item with you, what would it be?" A pretty famous question, and one I've changed my answer to many times. In my mind, I started scrolling through the inventory of items I'd consider. But before I could answer my son piped up and said "a boat!"

It was a shot to my pride to be out smarted by a 4 year old, but it isn't the first or the last time I'm sure. I think often adults underestimate the genius contained in a young mind. We can learn a lot by listening to a child.

My New Blog Home

2007-10-01T11:31:00.000-06:00

I decided to shorten the name of my blog as I got tired of spel chacking the name each time I entered it. Unfortunately I lost some comments making the move, but I have appreciated all the feedback. So welcome to my new home "Manly Musings"! I hope you are a-mused by my thoughts!

Cannibalism and Christianity

2007-10-01T11:19:00.001-06:00

I was reading a blog about a Christian couple that watched that movie "Alive" about a Uruguayan rugby team stranded by a plane crash in the Andes. Those who survived the crash are forced to eat the dead passengers in order to live.

This blog went on and on about the morality of such an act and whether it would be better to die or to eat another human being. What is my take? I'm glad you asked....

I don't have a clear cut answer for this important and age old question. However, I do know one thing.... I would bless my meal with more fervent zeal than our typical Sunday dinner.

Take a minute and answer my poll on the right side of the page. I'd like to know your opinions. Also leave your reasons for voting a certain way in the comments to this post.

Top Ten Reasons Wives Love to Scrapbook

2007-09-28T11:16:00.000-06:00

My wife is heading to a scrapbooking retreat in a week and leaving me alone with the kids for 4 days. In honor of all the wives out there who love to scrapbook, I've compiled this top ten list from a male's perspective.

How can a husband argue about $200 dollars being spent to forever capture Timmy's first time going potty?
Four words: interchangeable die cutting machine. Arrh! Arrh!
A scrapbook can become a valuable historical document: "And here is our trip to the zoo, when your Dad had to work! And here is our trip to the fun park, when your Dad had to work!"
Pictures don't talk back, complain, or wet their pants.
An opportunity to "stamp" on your husband's face!
Without scrapbooking such valuable inventions as the glue stick holster may have never been invented, then where would we be?
A great way to overcome an addiction is to develop a new one.
Finally there is a creative use for all that pesky pet hair that collects around the house. "Look at the cute little Eskimo jacket I made you!"
With a bucket of 50 decorative scissors the kids’ sandwiches have taken on a whole new life. "Should I eat it or frame it?"
If you get a paper cut it is acid free!

The Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear or See on Your Honeymoon

2007-09-27T11:15:00.000-06:00

I stumbled onto this list from when I MCed my sister's wedding. I enjoyed writing it and thought I'd add it to my musings.

A few days after the wedding night your wife says, "Congratulations, do you think we will have a baby girl or boy?"
Your wife returns from shopping and asks, "Do you have any more credit cards? The ones you gave me don't seem to work anymore."
While getting ready to take a leisurely dip in the pool your husband comes out of the bathroom with a razor in hand and asks, "Can you shave my back? There are a few spots I couldn't reach."
While taking a romantic walk together a total stranger comes up to your spouse and says, "Didn't I see you on Jerry Springer, Elimidate, and Temptation Island?"
On your wedding night your wife asks you if you know what a hermaphrodite is?
While looking around the honeymoon suite you notice a sign that says, "Please don't feed the roaches!"
In the middle of the night your husband wakes you up and informs you, "He sees dead people!"
You carry your new bride across the threshold only to have a bunch of strangers yell, "Surprise, you're on Candid Camera!"
You arrive at the hotel to check in and the manager gives you an hourly rate.
While packing the car to leave for the honeymoon you hear your wife say, "Honey, did you load my mother's bags yet?"

Quote of the Month Archive

2007-09-26T23:00:00.011-06:00

2007 Quotes

My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.
-- Amy Sedaris

I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
-- Author Unknown

I love Thanksgiving turkey… it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
-- Jay Leno

2008 Quotes

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
-- Author Unknown

I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning. Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.
-- Anonymous (I wonder why?)

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey

If every fool wore a crown, we should all be kings.
--Welsh Proverb

"Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young."
--Author Unknown

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
--Phyllis Diller

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
--Author Unknown

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.
--Doug Larson

2009 Quotes

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution.
--Jay Leno

Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover? You don't want to press your luck.
--Daryl Stout

Niagara Falls of Musing

2007-09-26T11:15:00.000-06:00

Many people have asked me what it means to muse. A formal definition could be:

muse - to think or meditate in silence, as on some subject.

However, I do not believe that musing must take place in silence. My musings rush forth like the waters of the mighty Niagara Falls. Those who have been to Niagara Falls know that when you stand next to the falls all you hear is a loud thunderous cascade of water. My musings are similar--loud, thunderous, deafening, and powerful.

In any event, grab a good sturdy barrel and enjoy the ride.

More Musings Than Most!

2007-09-25T11:14:00.000-06:00

There are some people out there with some miscellaneous musings, but I have many more. Visit my blog because it has many! Well stay tuned, it will have many.

See this girl? Doesn't she look sad?

The reason she looks so sad is she only has some miscellaneous musings! Cheer up, you can always visit my Blog!